i think that possibly maybe i'm falling for you
yes there's a chance that i've fallen quite hard over you
i've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
i wanna come too
i think that possibly maybe i'm falling for you

no one understands me quite like you do
through all of the shadowy corners of me
i never knew just what it was
about this old coffee shop i love so much
all of the while i never knew

i never knew just what it was
about this old coffee shop i love so much
all of the while i never knew


i think that possibly maybe i'm falling for you
yes there's a chance that i've fallen quite hard over you
i've seen the waters that make your eyes shine
now i'm shining too
because oh because
i've fallen quite hard over you

if i didn't know you
i'd rather not know
if i couldn't have you
i'd rather be alone

i never knew just what it was
about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew

i never knew just what it was
about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew

all of the while

all of the while it was you

-landon pigg

falling in love at a coffee shop

away messages and peppermint lip gloss

i hate:

going back to something i'm unsure of

while leaving something i'm completely sure about.

lavendar and developer

so my mom, dad, and brother all have Lyme disease. my brother has had it for about 10 years now, but they were able to catch it super early and pretty much nipped it in the bud so he may not have it really anymore, however it supposedly stays in your system for your entire life. during last summer while on our family vacation in new jersey, my dad discovered a large tell-tale bull's eye rash on his arm. for a person who does have Lyme, they should consider themselves pretty lucky to get this symptom, because not everyone does. this allowed my dad to get himself to the doctor relatively quickly and get checked up... however he had the misfortune of having probably one of the only doctor's who would tell him it was probably nothing to worry about. he didn't think it was Lyme - he said he thought my dad had a bad spider bite. mind you, the bull's eye was at least 5 inches in diameter. it wasn't until several tests, another doctor's opinion, and 6 weeks later that it was concluded that he did in fact have Lyme, and got started on medicine for it. the 6 weeks my dad went through not getting correct treatment, and then the time it took before the medicine was able to sink in and do its thing, was a little nerve racking. my dad is one to never ever get sick, and during this time he came home early from work about a 10 times due to not feeling well. now my mom did not have the luxury of having the commonly Lyme-linked bull's eye. she just felt miserable all the time, and decided she probably had it too. the first several tests for it also came back negative, which happens a lot with Lyme, but she had a doctor who was pretty much the antitheses of my father's first, and she was also convinced my mom had Lyme and started treatment on her for it before they got a definite answer. eventually her tests did read positive for it, however while my father was pretty much all better by this point and back to his old self, my mom had gotten worse, and here her doctor had started treating her right away. she battled with it all through the winter and fall, feeling run down all the time and generally not well. she felt tired, she ached, she had numbness in her left leg and one side of her face. i don't think a full week of work went by where there wasn't at least one day that she had to come home early. i hadn't seen her like this in almost 15 years - when i was about 6 1/2 or 7 years old my mom had cervical cancer, and although i didn't fully understand what was happening i knew something wasn't right and knew that my mom was not well. she was supposed to be the strong one, i was supposed to stuck in bed, or my brother. so, her troubles with Lyme persisted however she finally got on some medication by the next summer that seemed to be doing some good. however, the unfortunate thing with it is that when the medicine is doing its best and doing what it's meant to do, that's when you feel the worst. the doctors call it the "die off" period, which is basically when your body has been consistently barraged by it and it has finally started to sink into the Lyme bacteria, killing it off. this puts your body into overdrive leaving you feeling fatigued, headache-y, and generally miserable. this happens about every 2 weeks. we went on vacation, back to the jersey shore, in mid-late august for a week, and i hadn't seen my mom look so healthy in... well, about a year. and all she wanted to do while we were on the beach was to be in the water, be in the salt air. my mom hasn't wanted to go in the ocean, and hadn't willingly, since my brother and i were small. she had no aches, no pains, no fatigue. as we were getting ready to leave, quite literally as we were about to pull away from the house and hop on the road to drive home, my mom and dad rushed the landlord and booked the house for 2 weeks next summer.

after she got back, she decided something amazing most have come from being in the salt water and breathing in the air, and that it was time to find a new way to treat herself for Lyme. she talked to her doctor about it, about a month and a half ago she started on a more holistic approach and started on the path of homeopathy, and got herself another new doctor who practiced these things. she has been doing amazing, and has felt so good. sea salt baths, change of diet, a daily helping of what is called a "remedy" but that neither of us have any idea what's in it. and also my mom has been reading up on homeopathy and is completely fascinated from it. i am quite happy to see her doing so well. it's long overdue.

my mom brought to my attention something that really struck me and that we both found it surprising and rather interesting. see, my family has often wondered how i haven't gotten Lyme. i have a preoccupation with the outdoors and am not exactly what you would call cautious in the preparing myself for nature. i love running around barefoot, lying in grass, climbing trees, stomping in puddles, picking up bugs... i'm pretty much a 12 year old boy, affirmatively. but i've always, always been drawn to lavendar. i don't know what it is, but something about it has captivated me and i love having it all around. there's of course the aromatherapy aspect of it, lavendar being a key to relaxation. but i love it and am always on the lookout for the best lavendar scent. so anyway, my mom told me about something her new doctor told her, and that was that lavendar repels ticks. who would have thunk? doesn't seem like it should be that simple.

i had bought 2 thin leather bracelets while at the beach and haven't taken them off since i first put them on, so the lavendar smell of my body wash has soaked in. however now that i have been taking photography and making prints, so has the smell of the photo chemicals. not as nice as lavendar, that's for sure. but anywho... here's a couple pictures i've developed recently:

ok so i lied. blogger is being a pain in the tush.

also, check out the new link i have in my links list over to the left, Musings of a Musician. my friend BJ has started up a blog and would love a little debate. let's give it to him!

sunday, monday

tuesday wednesday, thursday friday saturday...
sunday monday, tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday...

there are seven days there are seven days there are seven days in a week,
sunday monday, tuesday wednesday, thursday friday saturday.

i love my kids.

had a wonderful, however long and rainy, day at the daycare with all of our "enchanted friends!" love it? i do.

i also had a rather productive larry session today, and instead of talking about everything i've decided i'm going to do, i'm going to go do them. and will report back shortly.

batman stickers and rubber mulch

well hello there again my friends.

there are several people that are currently baltimorians [not to be confused with baltimorons] that i desperately miss. i blame you, for making me like you so much. sounds fair, i think.

so recently [as in the past 3 hours] i have found myself captivated by the soft, moody, yet ever so frilly tunes of ingrid michaelson - you'd probably know her by the old navy sweater commercial. she's quite enjoyable, in a sugary sweet sense. sweet like... maybe butterscotch. not like cotton candy or sweet tarts.

i've been taking classes at the community college here at home, and it has definitely been interesting. i love the science classes i'm in - mainly, geology. enough so it has me thinking that i'd like to get a degree in it after all my mica business and teach in that as well as art. it's also been very bizarre, being home. i do miss living on my own a great deal. everything here just pretty much feels like i'm in limbo, no matter how much i enjoy family and friends here. i'm most assuredly past the living at home phase of my life. i've found that whenever i come home after having been away at mica, i revert back to being rather dependent on my mom and dad. my mom is very quick to take care of people, i.e. doing laundry, picking up after people, making me something to eat/grab me something from the kitchen if she's in there... and i don't like that. when i reflect on it, it just makes me feel like such a bum and i think that my parents get in erroneous depiction of me and my level of responsibility. so the past few weeks i've been trying very hard to thwart this by being my consciously on top of things, and even turning down offers for my dad to wait for me for dinner, so that i make something for myself.

and on the topic of making things for myself [in the food category that is], i've been trying to not be so gross with the way i have had the tendency to eat. i think anastasiya, alissandra and tyler know better than most the eating habits i sometimes have. to explain it in the minimalistic of terms, if not careful, i eat like i'm a 5 year old left to fend for their self. popcorn and ice cream for lunch anyone? no? how about swedish fish and mac & cheese for breakfast?

also on the health kick, i've been trying to go running [again]. i do actually enjoy it when i'm by myself, and drown out everything around me with my ipod. and i've been doing yoga. what what!

basically all of this is working into my attempt to be healthier all around - physically, metabolically, mentally, emotionally.

so we've got the physical taken care of with running and yoga, metabolically speaking we have the healthier diet, mentally we have [again] yoga, and also larry [those of you who are unaware of larry, he is {gasp!} my therapist], and emotionally we have larry again, me weeding out situations and negative thoughts that have caused me distress in the past, my family, lauren [are relationship has really strengthened a great deal with me being home], bree of course, and the newest addition, who has probably done the most good, graham.



other recent news, i am back working at the daycare. yaaay! i love my little munchkins. i'm working quite a few hours. today i had class from eight to eight fifty a.m. and then work from nine thirty until five thirty p.m. it was a bit of a long day. luckily though, the day goes by unusually fast. it's always split up into segments so it makes it very easy to pass the time.

well, i am off to play a game of literati [the poor man's scrabble.... well... .the yahoo messenger version anyway] and then go to bed for a few hours before my classes tomorrow. woo! good night, sweet dreams, be well.

plastic toys and juice boxes

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

ingrid michaelson

hope chests and green tea

i love feeling the warmth of my hands leave me when i press them against something.

fruit punch and mohawks

wow k so um... hi!

it's been a while, huh?

.... how's the fam?

and your gerbil? its asthma doing ok?

so i'm at my summer job in pa, and it's going quite nicely. the little girl i'm watching is quite a sweetie, and we have lots of good times. i got to dress up as a fairy today.

my summer is greatly improved compared to last summer, however it's definitely had an obscene amount of lows. ohs wells.

tonight, after my evening shower, i gave someone a mohawk. i'm not very good at using clippers, i found out. it's quite a crooked mohawk... whoops. in about fifteen minutes i'm going to head over to one of the auditoriums and a bunch of us are going to watch caddy shack on the huge screen. good times fo sho.

throughout my life i periodically have the same revelation; that i am much too unopinionated about many things. most things actually. this is good for the fact that it make me a non-argumentative person [and i hate arguing] but it also makes me someone who can't form a strong opinion on something. which as we all know, is kind of lame. you need to have opinions on things. and what's even worse is that i don't even have strong opinions on things that have to do with myself. i feel like i'm in a constant state of contradiction with myself. always. hm.

wow so yeah that little bit probably seems really random... but only because i'm not telling all that i could be telling to fill in the huge gaps so that you could get the whole picture. ohs wells.

sunglasses and swingsets

happy moms day to all those groovy moms out there.

my mom is still fast asleep, and my papa bear is downstairs scurrying about in the kitchen... there's a bouquet of roses sitting on her breakfast plate along with a big envelope. my parents are so cute... my dad comes off as being pretty rough around the edges, but it's indescribable the place my mom has in his heart. and the same for goes her.

---

momentary gap there - my mom woke up and i went down to have breakfast with her and pops. she opened up her gifts from my dad, and saw the chocolate covered strawberries that my brother made for her in the fridge [he's still passed out on the couch]. she opened up my gift - i had done a little drawing of my brother and i from when we were little. it slipped my mind that she is the crazy weepy type over that type of stuff, so that caught me off guard but it's all good. i was actually pretty pleased with the drawing... well i actually think of it as more of a finished sketch sort of thing... i think i'd like to do something more with it. well... do a more finished piece or something. here it is...




i've been itching to work with wood again too, and have been trying to figure out a way to use it in my illustration process. either way, it was fun to do. it was the first time i had used acrylic in a while, and the first time in a very very long while that i had used it the way i had. it was fun, and i think i need to do more of it.

i had decided that if i couldn't get any art done during the week [and even if i do] that saturday mornings and afternoons will be art time for me. whenever i would come home from breaks in the past, i would very easily and quickly settle into a stagnant state, not doing any work and being super lazy. so far, that has not been the case at all. i haven't done that much art, but i've been busy. i got home tuesday afternoon after a whirlwind of a moving job in baltimore, and started working at the daycare wednesday, doing a double shift, then working thursday and friday as well. i'm working 3 days this upcoming week, too. i've also been trying to be a better friend and actually hang out with the people here. that's another thing i would find myself doing - i'd get home, and just want to shut myself off from everyone and forget that i could even have fun with them, then the last week i would be around town i'd realize i had promised all these people i would spend time with them, and would try to play catch up with my last few days, and that would just get me frazzled. so, thursday after work and all that i went to eighties night a few towns over with my friends dave and jason, and that was pretty fun. they're crazy... i had hoped laur would come too but she had lots going on already, but we might go next week. woo hoo! friday night i did actually get to hang out with lulu - we both got off work at the same time, and she came over for dinner, and then we went for some icecream and picked up a couple movies to watch [failure to launch and deja vu], which was stellar. then yesterday, dave came over in the afternoon and we drew for a little while. i did an awful drawing of him... it was the first arty thing i had done since i'd been back, and sweet bajeesus was it bad, haha...


it looked better before i decided to play with my little kids pastels on it... ohs wells. later i did the drawing for my mom, and that was better, so there ya go.

long story short -

it's been excellent being home. i miss baltimore... or rather, i miss my friends in baltimore/mica, and parts of the city. and i'm really pretty sad i'm missing tyler's commencement... i'm trying not to think about it too much. i miss you guys.

but i'm also happy being home for a little while. and it's nice keeping busy here. i'm not a fan of some of the middle school drama i've come home to, but at least it's not my drama - just stuff i end up hearing about a lot. again - ohs wells. i also really love my job at the daycare, working with the 3+4 year olds. they're my favorites. they don't have an attitude yet, which is nice... but they still have a personality.

and although i shouldn't, out of my kids i do have a favorite. his name is joey, and he's almost 4. we were on the swings thursday, and he started talking to me about death. he's recently grasped the concept, because his dad's dog died not too long ago i guess. joey started talking about dying, and he was getting so choked up... he was talking about how one day he was going to get old, old like his dad, and older, and that his dad would die, and then he would die. he stopped swinging, and looked straight in my eyes with the saddest, most concerned look on his face. he said "when i die, if i get really sick and die, will you pray for me?"

i just looked at him for a second, but said yes of course i would - but that that was something he wouldn't have to worry about for a long long time. i said to him he was healthy as a horse, and that he didn't need to think about that. he calmed down a bit, but continued talking for a little while, talking about, and also asking at the same time, about how everyone would die at some point. i said that yeah, at some point everyone does die. but that that's why we have to love our friends and family and have fun with them and take care of yourself and others.

it was really interesting, because here is this 4 year old boy trying to grasp the meaning of life and death, and talking about it so openly and being brutally honest, and completely raw - and i just wanted to give the same back to him, but it was also so difficult to tread the line of how much to say or what should be said, and also how to say it - even though he's obviously a smart kid, he's still 4, and although i by no means talk down to kids [i try to talk to them like people - they understand so much more than some people give them credit for], i still had to really think about the way i said or phrased things so that he could understand. it really forced me to try to simplify what can easily be, and is, a complex thing. that's just been something on my mind for a while.... all of it.

he's an amazing little guy. his favorite song is "raindrops keep falling on my head."

he always sings this part -

raindrops keep falling on my head - but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red. crying's not for me cause - i'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining, because i'm free - nothing's worrying me.

he's been singing that since i first met him last summer.

mashed potatoes and my weeping yogi

so in light of summer, and in addition to my summer resolutions, i've decided that i will no longer publish a blog unless i draw something to publish with it. i figure this does two things - for one, it will cut down on a lot of lame stuff that really doesn't need to be published [that's what my video diary is for] and for two, it will make me draw more. both of those are wonderful, wonderful things. and if i break this new rule of mine i give anyone who catches it permission to smite me. however tyler's zeus character has first dibs, because that'd just be friggin hilarious. but only as long as his "smote" speech bubble pops up after wards.

so, from now on, every blog will have a drawing to go with it, most likely related to whatever i'm talking about. no matter how good or bad it is. each one could take me 5 minutes to 5 hours, who knows. the one i'm posting today is a quick 5 minute drawing i did on a post-it note. it's of my little weeping yogi figurine made of wood. my weeping yogi is one of my favorite posessions. it's about an inch tall, and is a carved figure sitting crossed legged with his head buried in his hands. my mom got one years ago for our home in ny - he sits quietly on a shelf off to the side of the living room. mine, well currently he's sitting next to my laptop, but normally he was sitting in one of my box shelves hanging on the wall in my room here. i've been slowly packing things up, and sorting through what will stay here in baltimore, and what will be coming back with me. the yogi, of course, is coming with me. the story behind the weeping yogi is that they are supposed to draw away any sorrows or heaviness in your heart. these little figures are made to carry the burdens and weights of you, so that you don't have to. i think that this very idea is what makes me cherish my own personal one so much. being so small, i often forget that he's even there. the same i believe goes for the one in my home in ny. each time i rediscover him, it just warms my heart and fills it with compassion and joy. each time i realize it's there, i pick him and hold him warmly and firmly in my hand, usually close to my heart. it amazes me what something so small can do.



and that's all.

showers and boxes

it's sort of been a little while since i posted last... i guess not that long ago actually. but i'm sure it'll be at least another week [probably more] before i do again. there's so much to do and so little time to do it all.

it's such a relief to know that this year will be over soon, because i feel like it's been absolutely terrible for everyone around me. but at the same time, now that we're down to it, i don't want it to end. or at least, i don't want to leave here just yet. maybe it's the weather, who knows...

and again, on the other hand, i'm so looking forward to being home. it'll be amazing to spend time with lulu again and my brother. anymore i feel like i make resolutions for summers as opposed to new years. it might sound silly, but this summer during the first few weeks i'm home, i want to get to the library in my town and get a library card and try those language tapes to see if i can start learning another language. haha, writing that out makes me feel so silly, but i'd like to do that. my plan is to get the tapes or cds or whatever they are and head to the parks nearby and just sit and draw and listen. i found myself complaining a lot this year of not feeling like i had enough time to draw, or draw for me, or anything like that. and it's my own fault - i just need to get up and get out to do it.

so i'll go home, get my bike fixed, get a library card [damn i'm super cool], and just draw. i'm thinking it'll be pretty sweet. i just feel like i need to start doing little things for myself that are beneficial to me. and realistic. so if anything i'll just be drawing a hell of a lot and not necessarily be poorly learning another language, which i'm ok with too.

i've been in an odd frame of mind the past couple days. i just have so much going through me - so much that i'm thinking and feeling, and i almost feel like my body and mind is having a difficult time processing it all. i don't like it. i'm also full of so much uncertainty over lots of things, and i don't like that either. i hate that. i think the biggest issue is that i'm probably over-analyzing things and reading into things that aren't there. but... i don't think i am. i mean i know that being a girl means that i do that. like... about everything. it's just how we roll [right alissandra?], but i also feel like i have a pretty good intuition, and can almost always be very much aware of when i start to over-analyze. so once again, that leaves me... in limbo. always.

chicken soup and open windows

all of our mugs are in the dishwasher, so i'm drinking my coffee out of an empty jam jar.

kind of makes me giggle.

after getting some sun on sunday [left shoulder is slowly becoming less lobster-like, thankyouverymuch], my scar is ridiculously pronounced. it's making me think i need to work on a killer story for it... however the tiger story sam helped me come up with at the beginning of the semester is still a personal fave.

it's been absolutely phenomenal in baltimore that last few days. the sunshine is doing some good. yesterday evening was particularly fabulous - everything about the air and the dark was perfect. good job, nature. good job.

because it's been so amazing, i left my windows completely open today. yay! my orchid enjoyed sitting on the sill, catching the breeze. i didn't even mind the fact that my room was bordering on uncomfortable in temperature. and i'm pretty picky about my room temp. it was just nice to get things done and work in my room with the sounds and breezes from outside seeping in, mixing with the crooning of steven page and his wacky counterparts. i was actually really surprised at all i got done today. i mean, most of it was running around cleaning and getting errands done, but there was also some illustrating and 4 hours of drawing homework in there too. i still think i'm kind of screwed for one class though.

i've been putting off my work for love in the non western world a lot. like... a lot a lot. partly because i don't really enjoy that class, which is incredibly dissapointing to me, considering that i had been really excited to take it in the first place. and also because i keep prioritizing things above it. i would much rather work on my life drawing or read hamlet, or work on my illustrations than sit down and focus on what i need to focus on for this class, which is a real shame because all the literature for it is amazing. i would love to actually sit down and enjoy pretty much everything that we've been assigned to read for this class, and i'm kicking myself now for not trying harder to make time for all the books [12, mind you...] but at the same time i don't think it ever would have been possible. i think this semester really messed me up/i really messed up my work schedule. it's definitely given me a lot of hindsight.

i really need to work on this final review due thursday... the questions are ridiculously intense... and i want to finish them tonight. possible? no. probably not. am i still going to try? yep. probably much deeper into the early morning than i should. hmm... wish me luck. this will be an interesting evening.

sunburn and hot dogs

today is beautiful.

even with all that is going on or not going on, today is glorious. it's eighty degrees out, and there is not even one cloud in the sky. and i am just so very much in love with the grass and birds right now.

i feel like it's impossible to be upset while you're outside on this sort of day. i'm sure i'm completely wrong, but please, no one burst this bubble of naiveness just yet. let me just bask in it a while longer...

so the previous post - after talking with my sandy pants and working through my ideas, i think i've figured out everything i need to figure out. i guess sometimes all it takes is talking to someone else about what you're feeling, even if you really feel like you just need to fall off the edge of the earth for a while.

oh i also was super lame today and did a mini photoshoot of myself while sitting in my bedroom window. i'm just super cool like that. my pal dan would be quite proud. and angry that i didn't invite him over to be completely ridiculous with me. ohs wells.

so this is probably pointless blog #52, but meh. i'm so content right now. i don't think my body has felt this relaxed in a while, despite my sunburned shoulders.

ahhhhh. i'm just going to continue basking for a bit longer.

showers and coffee mugs

i need to chill out, knock it off, and get down to it...

like a lot.

apparently there's a lot of stuff going on right now, and i'm unaware of most of it. the only thing i do know is that things are happening. everywhere. here at school, affecting school and the people here, back home, affecting family and friends, and also myself, and in my apartment, and in my own head. [warning, many ramblings soon to follow]

it's not cool to be completely clueless about your own mind. the worst is that i don't know why or what i'm thinking or doing things, and that makes it hard to do anything about it.

recently, as in the past few days/past week, i think i've been finding myself reverting back to ways i acted and handled situations in middle school/freshman year of highschool. which is absolutely no good. because i didn't really like myself when i acted that way. and the biggest problem is, i don't know why i do the things i do. i just really want to yell at myself, grow up! knock it off! my way of handling things back then never made anything better - it made things worse. and it wasn't so much handling as pretending things weren't happening and just going about my business, and i think even disregarding others in my attempts to pretend nothing was happening. i don't like it. in fact, i feel that i can even say i hate it.

i really just want to be left alone for a few days, i think. i feel like i just need to be away from people. but oh look.... desk shift in less than 3 hours... where i interact with everyone that comes by the desk.... awesome. i wish ana was here. i just want someone to curl up and be miserable and anti-social with.

things i like [a lot]

• coffee
• cloves
• cookies
• overalls
• cookies in overalls
• holding hands [love]
• hugs
• kissing
• getting picked up [as in physically lifted]
• tackling people [with love]
• getting tackled [with love]
• showering
• leaving notes
• getting notes
• .oo5 micron pens
• notebook paper
• other people's cold hands on my neck and face
• sketching
• wood - working with it, carving it, drawing & painting on it, feeling it
• concerts
• sewing
• naps
• fire escapes
• photos
• polaroids
• cuddling [love love love]
• swings
• sneakers
• being barefoot
• taking walks in the middle of the night
• playing catch
• wooden animal figurines
• climbing trees
• hopping fences
• tire swings
• sun showers [warm rain in general]
• camp/bon fires
• blankets
• cuddling while barefoot and wrapped in a blanket, while also sipping coffee around a bon fire
• roasting marshmallows on a stick [charred if you please]
• lists
• laughing until it hurts
• the feeling after crying really [really] hard
• singing to songs, especially in the car to the radio
• making babies laugh and smile
• getting up early [6]
• staying up late [...5]
• driving
• road trips
• traffic james while i'm driving
• drawing cityscapes
• drawing people
• honesty to a fault
• grocery shopping [2am]
• writing backwards
• mix tapes/cds
• giving back rubs
• getting back rubs
• old photo booths
• t-shirts [especially boys tees from the village]
• upside-down hugs to people on couches
• quotes
• receiving drunken phone calls
  

Go. Eat. A. Cookie.

so.


hi everybody.



it's about seven thirty in the morning. i'm thinking i may go running in a half an hour or so. but probably not. who knows.

i'm giving a warning and apology to everyone everywhere: i'm mood swinging like crazy. not just a little. not even just more than usual [although it does fall into that category]. like... a lot.

i haven't gone through these motions since the first week i turned 13. that was a scary week.

i also want to thank a few people... yeah kind of oscar style.

first and foremost i want to thank my mom for not caring when i called her at 1am... and for her amazing ability to know something's wrong when i don't even know, and that even though she more often than not causes me to cry with her honey voice, it's usually because i need to. and thanks to her for flying out this coming weekend. me be thinkings that i needs it.

thanks to alissandra for making all her amazing lists for me.... you're kind of ridiculous and i love you for it.

beeegeeeee thank you for tolerating my mood swinginess the past couple days, and helping me see the silver linings of each of the choices i'm facing. you are all kinds of awesome. but you know that already.

so why am i writing this blog.

lately i feel like i shouldn't blog so much, because most of what comes out of me [however sincere] is just lots of pointless comments, observations, and feelings that i feel the need to spew. but you know what? i think that's ok. no one has to read this. and if they do, kudos to them, i guess. but it doesn't really matter. i'm not the best writer, and i'm not really too concerned if i'm entertaining anyone besides myself.

so why am i writing this blog...

for myself, i suppose.

yesterday i woke up just really not wanting to get out of bed. when i did, i called my mom and cried for about 45 minutes. then i felt kind of better, and went out with sandy pants. bought delicious sammiches, discussed the fascination the art store boy has with alissandra's adorable attire. it was good. finally sat down and figured out my schedule, in a rather apathetic state. talked to b for a while, and got really hyper and happy for no real reason, then took a nap. woke up, made a playlist entitled "let's get pumped" with things like johnny b. goode [think back to the future], frankenstein, world wide suicide [perhaps one of my favorite pearl jam jams? perhaps.], mmmbop [shut up], wake me up before you go go [shut up some more], enter sandman [mmmmmm, loves me my metallica fix...], footloose, beast and the harlot.... yeah. and more of all of that. and i'm all in like, a richard simmons energizer bunny state. and now i'm here. weird. completely mood swingy, and it's freaking me out.

i hate crying. i don't like doing it and i don't like doing in the presence of others. i have no problem being a shoulder for others, but i don't like it when i need one myself. i think i have this strange delusion that i'm stronger, or rather that i should be stronger than i actually am. that, i'm almost positive, i get from my father. and while i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, i think it may be something i should work on so that it doesn't pose any sort of problem in the future.

actually, i think it's exactly that which has been stressing me out lately, among other things. i think i'm having a very difficult time with the idea of others' perception of me as anything less than a strong, confident person. it's really shaking me quite a bit. i don't like coming off as being unstable, unsure, that i'm second guessing myself, that i am feeling inadequate. and i'm not just stressing about it in relation to how others see me; i'm getting really upset that i'm not living up to my own standards and how i see myself.

and not only that, but i have an awful pattern of feeling inadequate and sub par, stressing out a lot, shutting down completely and not getting things done that i need to get done, therefore feeling more stressed and inadequate and getting behind and thus shutting down some more. no good people, no good.

so, why am i writing this blog?

because writing things out apparently helps me figure things out and work through thoughts that i can't always on my own just sitting and thinking. and i'm trying to work through a lot of thoughts. like.... a lot. pretty much all culminating to whether or not i'm going to be back next semester. scary, i know.

and i can't tell if i just need to get over myself and get over it, or if it's something i truly need to do. i'm torn. but leaning towards the latter. although the title of my blog is in favor of the first... [haha, alliteration i love you.... i've been using it a lot lately without realizing it... fabulous, i know. but that's neither here nor there...] it comes from a web comic i enjoy reading. in the most recent installment, one of the main characters gets angry about something really stupid, gets called on it, then starts overreacting and overanalyzing about her freak out, wondering if she has something wrong with her that she needs to deal with, or, well.. if her blood sugar is just low. and all she needs to do is eat a cookie and get over it.

while i fully support the cookie idea, i don't know if that's what i need or not. either way, i will be wearing my overalls today i think, because nothing is better than overall pockets with cookies in them. kind of makes me happy in my heart. like... a lot.

ok, back to trying to not think about life. if you see me today... maybe give me a high five and a cookie. i think that would make me smile a lot. or if you're not that kind of person... a pound and a lollipop will do just fine.

cigarettes and chocolate milk

...... and i'm feeling so good.

being home has never felt so wonderful. it's just for a couple days, but i think it was a much needed excursion. and my mom is always so happy to have my brother and i in the same place for an extended period of time. we all sat together on the couch last night to watch.... the end of something. i can't even remember. but when my brother sat down, my mom exclaimed "aw look! we're possuming!" which has been a long-standing inside joke between my immediate family since i was about eight years old. i'm not really sure how we first started saying it, but it basically refers to any time that we all squish together on the couch. sometimes we'll even sing it along to the tune of the addam's family... replacing addam's with possum, of course, and even including the finger snapping... yeah, we're huge dorks. are my quirks making more sense now? yeah.... i love my family.

tomorrow is easter, and we'll be having a fabulous ham and such, and then i'll have to get all my things together to be at the airport that evening to fly back to school. only about 4 weeks of classes left - kind of terrifying and awesome. i just really can't wait for the summer, for many different reasons, which i believe i've gone over in previous posts, hehe... i don't actually know if i do say it before or not, but i got the job in erie! woo! i am just so pumped for it. it will be pretty awesome, for sure. the little girl who i'll be the nanny for sent me a homemade card the other day. too adorable... she's pretty amazing. her mom said she's been making a bunch to give to me when i see them again in june.

lots of things to look forward too. i've been keeping little landmarks of time in mind to finish out the semester... i just can't wait for this year to be done with. a new thing to be excited about is that ana and i may have a new place to live, which will be nice to not have to worry about. we just have to get all our paper work in and what not and hopefully there shouldn't be any snags. a not so new development but still super exciting thing to look forward to is that bj will be visiting me here in baltimore soon! he'll actually be here the second to last week of school, so that will be pretty sweet. i bought tickets to the led zeppelin tribute show, so it will be a pretty hap'nin' time.

oh, and my laptop is kind of dying.... my poor baby.... the screen is all floopy, and it's got that awful red line going down the side, and now the eight, nine, and zero keys aren't working.... beege is going to take a look at it when he gets here, but who knows. there's no way i'm getting rid of it any time soon, but i may have to start restricting how often i tote it around with me. i almost always bring it to work with me, and if i travel home or whatever it always comes along. i have to admit i guess i haven't handled it as gingerly as i should have, but i suppose for how i have it's really held up nicely. it's one of the 3 things which i consider "m' babies." and oh yeah, it's name is charlie. but it's a girl. shush, i'm weird and i know it - i embrace it. the older i get the more i realize all of my neurotic tendencies, and just realize some of the strange things that come out of my mouth. but in turn the more i realize this, the more comfortable i am with it. i'm just more and more happy to be myself and just be comfortable with myself, and live unapologetically. as long as i'm not hurting anybody, so what if i'm kind of a loon? there's definitely crazier people out there.

plus i mean you always bet on the crazy one in a fight. so i'm golden. unless i get into a fight with a much more insane person. then i'm pretty much SOL.

and so on...

i'm changing the address for my blog... keep an eye out on facebook for the new address, so you can update your google reader.... hehe i love geeking out...

ahem... is this thing on?

so, i haven't been blogging lately. and the past couple times i have blogged, it's been pretty uninteresting, both to write and read, i'm sure [not that my past blogs were absolutely captivating or anything, but still... i at least had fun writing them]. and oh yeah, side note, my number eight, nine, and zero key [so my asterisk and parentheses buttons too] aren't working, so ya know.... stay sharp. or something.

i haven't been blogging, not because i haven't necessarily had anything to say, but because ever since i had to limit who could read it i was all of a sudden very aware of the fact that i was writing to people. i mean, whether or not sam, justin, alissandra, tyler or bj even read this is beside the point. i wasn't just pouring my thoughts out to a faceless group. i'm sure many people would say "but wait, they'd be able to read it anyway" but it's more than that. i wasn't writing just to write and get things off my chest and out there. i felt like i was writing for people, and specific people. so, my blogging ability dried up, and because of that, so did my drive/will to keep up with my video diary. without having the blog to talk about supplemental stuff, i felt like i had too much going through my head to keep track of the bigger things that i normally talk about in my video diary. so as a result, i've been a little edgy. weird, huh? i wouldn't think something like that would make a difference, but it does. it was really nice to get things off my chest, and just being able to say things out loud.

when i was younger and was upset with something, or at someone, my mom would tell me to write a letter talking about why i was upset. so i'd start writing, and writing, and in a [barely] more organized form of stream-of-consciousness writing, i would be able to sort out my thoughts and really find the heart of what was making me upset, and just having things on paper and being able to get all that out of me was just such a load off of my mind and body.

i'm not saying it's better to just write things as opposed to actually talking to people about things. not in the least. but i am saying that sometimes it's good to be able to have an outside perspective on yourself... and just get things out so you can sort through them. every blog i write, i always end up reading it at least 3 separate times myself. i reflect a lot. i think back on things. i'm one of those people who once i hear a funny joke, ten minutes later after a completely different conversation, i'll randomly start laughing or just grinning wildly because i'll be thinking of that punch line.

i've always been really big on having keepsakes. i keep everything. i used to have a box full of things from past [think middle school era] boyfriends and the like.... cards they had given me, ticket stubs, pictures, random little things from outings together... after i got into a really serious relationship in highschool [that lasted for all of highschool] my mom came across it and made me get rid of the things inside. i think she felt like it was really unecessary. but for me, i need things like that to paw through and reflect on. even just to make me giggle at what a sentimental girl i can be sometimes. so, i did get rid of that middle school boyfriend box. but i started another one, not even consciously. but this box has other things in it, too - some things from past friendships, and newspaper clippings that i had liked or found insightful. i'm the same with photographs. i have boxes of pictures at home... and if you've seen my computer folders, you'll know that i have an oscene amount of pictures on my computer - enough that i organize them into days.

it's funny, because i think artsy people are some of the most pack-ratty people anyone could ever meet. sure, there are plenty of artists who don't, i'm sure... although i haven't really met too many... and there are plenty of non-artists who are major pack rats. i was having this conversation today actually with my friend max while we were getting some ice cream. i think a major difference between your typical pack-rat and an artist pack-rat is that us artists, we specialize. there's a category of something or a particular type of something that we almost collect in a way. max has a thing for old notecards and greeting cards. i know tyler loves his old paper-back books, as well as having a beautiful record collection. katie has door knobs. i have an odd love of old [and new] notes, wooden figurines, and of course, photos. i think in general i just like to collect. my poppy was probably the biggest pack rat of all time. maybe i get some of it from him.... he worked as a butcher for pretty much all of his life. he owned a deli and what not... when he retired, he still owned the deli but just wasn't working there anymore... but he was not one for being idle, so he started up another business. basically, he would clean out people's attics and basements, taking away all of their old stuff. where'd all this stuff wind up, you ask? his and my gram's attic. and what was originally his smoke-house. and then the shed he added onto that. my poppy passed away when i was 3, but my grandma, as much as all his junk drove her crazy, kept most of it. she died when i was 7, and the last few months she was alive my family went to live with her and then lived there for 2 years after the fact. so, we got to clean out most of that... that was probably one of my favorite times living there. i'm sure my parents weren't too thrilled, since they were doing all the work - i don't think i've seen anyone have as many yard sales in such a short period of time as we did - but to dig through all the old stuff.... amazing. and oh yeah, i also have a love of old containers and tins. at one point, i found this super old container of sardines. the tin was gorgeous. my mom wouldn't let me open it. shucks.... he had old guitars, clarinets, harmonicas, paintings, this really weird life size wood cut-out of this flapper woman in a green dress that could stand on it's own, and just tons of odds and ends. thinking back i'm shocked that our ceiling held up.

i think that [and i could be completely off, but go with me] each of us collect certain things in a way to hold on to memories. i think each of us attach a certain idea to a particular sort of object, and form a connection with these things. like i said, i could be completely off and the reason why you can't pass up those old buttons or that wooden frame is because you just think they look really awesome. but i know for me i form connections with things, and i've always been a fan of nostalgia.

wow it feels good to rant again.

i don't even know if i fixed the settings on my blog or not. if not: b, sam, justin, tyler, sandy - hope you enjoyed.

saltines and the china town bus

alright, so! lots has been going on i suppose. jazz formal the other night was absolutely fantastic - i really loved seeing everyone all dressed up and looking sharp. everybody just seemed to be in a fanatastic mood.

before the formal, i had driven about 2 1/2 hours into PA for a job interview, spent about 3 hours there, and then drove 2 1/2 hours back. it was actually pretty great... i was interviewing for a job this summer as a nanny at the pennsylvania governor's school of the arts. i would be taking care of this little 4 year old girl named emily, who is pretty much amazing. well, i got the job!!! i was (and still am) super super excited. this summer will be pretty excellent.

what else.... oh yeah. i've been sick on and off with this weird stomach bug... not a fan, that's for sure... definitely something i don't appreciate too much.

and last but not least, i'm heading to nyc tomorrow with anastasiya! she has an interview for an internship at this art gallery in manhattan, so we're going to head up early and then stay late and have a fabulous time. i love the city.... it's been way too long since i've been able to get there and hang out. must love adventures :) on another note, i think i'm going to start up another blog as well that other people can actually see, but only have art work and such up there. so yeah, that's about it for now.... i guess. yeah. my head is fuzzy...

job interviews and... tanooki?

first off, i'd like to say hello to the only 5 people on the internet who can read this blog - wazzup sam, alissandra, tyler, justin, and beege.

so for the past several hours i've been doing a lot of information changing. let me explain.

see, my rooommate has this ex-boyfriend... this guy is a paranoid schizoprhenic, and also potentially dangerous and all that marvelous stuff and has been trying to track down anastasiya ever since she broke up with him and left for school. well he hasn't had too much luck contacting her, so starting last summer he found my home number and was calling the house non stop, threatening to come to my house, to come here, to hurt ana, all that good stuff... so we changed that number. he would also go through my myspace, and look at my friends and try adding them and messaging them to get information on me and/or ana, since he knew we lived together. then he emailed me this creepy, cryptic email over spring break, and starting today started texting my phone.

some of the texts were really random... he sent me a this picture message:


it had the caption "Tanooki!!" so yeah... really random. i asked ana if there was any significance to it, and she just looked at me and was like uhhhh yeah no. so yay. he also messaged me with a text saying "I used to go to wegmans with ana too." so that's when i went ahead and made my blog private... thank goodness for that sitemeter thing that i have working through my page. i was able to see exactly when it was that he went to my blog, and saw how he found it since really the only link i had to it was through my facebook... he had googled "cory crose" and it was listed there. i went through the list of sites my name popped up in, and some were from old accounts on other sites that are similar to myspace, one that i had made quite a while ago and i saw that it had my phone on it, so that's how he got that originally... so i deleted all those, and also went ahead and deleted my myspace, and also made it so only people that were added as a friend on facebook could see my new number, and i went through my friend list and deleted anyone who i didn't actually know... there was only one or two, so no real worries there. yay for online safety or something?

anyway, on a lighter note, i'm traveling into PA tomorrow for my job interview for that nanny position! i'm really excited, and i hope the little girl, emily, likes me. the jazz formal is also tomorrow, which i can't wait for! i love getting all dressed up now and again. and thank you so much again sam for taking my shift - you pretty much rock.

so i need to get to bed i think. i need to be out of here no later than 8:15. so much for getting a bunch done tonight.... ah well...

get your kicks and do some fire escape picnicing

after all the rambling i did with alissandra about how much i don't like running, what did i just get back from? a run. and damn, did it kick my ass. it felt awesome. i can't even believe i can say that. i went by myself, blasting coheed and cambria (shut up hata's) on my ipod and just jogged for about 1/2 an hour. i really enjoy going by myself... and the weather was amazing. so i'm making this day 1 of my jogging resolution. let's see how i do.

more awesome things are that this saturday i am most likely heading to Philadelphia for an interview of sorts for that summer nanny job, and also mica's jazz formal is that night! it's pretty much the one and only chance for students here to get all snazzy... kind of like prom i guess, except that it's an annual thing for everyone. i didn't get to go last year because i was sick, so i'm really looking forward to this one. i've had my dress picked out for 2 months, i'm that cool.

ok, time to get decent - i don't think i can really pull that whole towel look. i'm going to go put my clothes away and tidy my room a bit, because seanikins is coming over! he's going to hang out with me while i do homework. sounds like oodles of fun, i know. sorry, you can't come. we're also probably getting chinese! wooo!


......seriously, stop begging, you can't come.

sirloin steak and squishy fish

i went grocery shopping at wegman's today with anastasiya. it's nice to go someplace other than giant, super fresh or save-a-lot now and again. plus it's pretty.

i've been eating loads of tofu and pasta lately (not necessarily together, but still...) and really hadn't had much other stuff. so for the past week, i've just been craving me some steak. i'm a carnivore for sure.... i could never do the vegetarian thing. so anyway, i just finished eating my dinner a little while ago: steak, garlic mashed potatoes, and asparagus. i love cooking.

oh, is there anything else in my life that i love? funny you should ask!

i've recently been drawing these little fish guys... see, the deep ocean and it's creepy little inhabitants freak me out. i mean, the pictures of the things that live down there could give you nightmares. so i happened to mention this to bj one day, i can't even remember how it came about, and he sent me a link to a whole bunch of terrifying looking creatures. he says that the third one down doesn't look all that bad... that he looked like he'd be kind of cuddly. so the boy may be crazy, but it got my ridiculously cheesy brain working and later that night i made my cutesy version of a prickly shark. then today, i did another of a chimaera pup. there will be more to come for sure, as i found a page with about 30 creepy guys.

it's fun to just do something pointless and fun for yourself every once in a while. i don't really care if they turn out "good" or not, i just enjoy doing them. i made a photo album on facebook for them too, but i figured i'd put them up here as well since i don't really have any of my other stuff up here yet. so any way, here's some squishy fishies (enjoy):

wagon wheel coffee tables and the moon wrapped in cellophane

just watched a sappy movie and i'm listening to michael buble, and all i want is to go for a walk and hold someone's hand. i'm lonely. curse you billy crystal and meg ryan. curse you.

on the upside, i discovered i had a bag of my favorite coffee in my cupboard, and also found a way to tame my locks (however short) when they start to get sassy. and i'm kicking this watercolor's ass, in the best possible way.

on more upsides (this is making me feel better! yay writing) i got to hang out with my friend sean (aka seanikins) last night for st. patty's day, which pretty much rocked. we went down to fell's point and got to witness the funniest drunken mass of people. it was a good time, especially since we were probably the only two sober people down there. it was really beautiful, and we walked all around, down these little side streets and through exotic, "mystark" (haha, you had to be there) alleyways and mosey down the docks. we had some delicious seafood at bertha's mussells, and took goofy pictures. i am now on video singing and dancing along to prince's "kiss," which is pretty fabulous. really quite a wonderful evening.

so this blog was pretty pointless, but it's been a while. i've been recording video diary entries mostly, which really helps to get things off my chest. mmmmmmhmm. ok, well, that's all for now my loves. nighty night, enjoy the last few weekend hours.

puppies and rainbows and gumdrops and sunshine...

.... and then everyone gets sick from cute perky overload. but you know what i say to that?
uhhhhh f-you. with love.

today is absolutely gorgeous. it's supposed to be a high of 77 degrees, and i'm in shorts and a t-shirt!! i got to break my bike out of it's hibernation from my living room, and rode it to work. unfortunately i found out the hard way that the back break isn't working for whatever reason, but i pulled a flintstones move and used my feet in combination with the front break. woo!

so i absolutely loved having my brother (colin) here. he didn't stay with me at my place, he stayed with our friend ronni who lives just a few blocks away, but it was just really great having him in baltimore. just to be able to call him up and be like hey col, let's go grab some food, or hey come on over and we can do work together, was just really awesome. he just left this morning - i pulled my weird hours to get some work done for my midterm crit today - it's for life drawing - so he called me around 9:20am and dropped by and we chilled out for about an hour. i made breakfast (and by made breakfast i mean poured us some cereal and made a pot of coffee) and we talked in the kitchen for a bit. this is his spring break right now and he was not looking forward to going back to ny. he has to go to his internship at our local paper as soon as he gets home pretty much. it's at 4pm, and he left at about 10:30 this morning, and it's a 5 hour trip. sooo he's going to be cutting it really close. but yeah, i loved having him and i'm sad he had to leave. i really hope that when he and i are both out of school that we don't live too far from eachother. we've been close ever since we were kids, always playing together and teasing eachother in a non-malicious sort of way... haha we've certainly gotten into our share of trouble together too. it's funny, because honestly, i really feel like we have a similar connection to that of twins. i mean i can't know for sure since i've never experienced being a twin, but i'd say we're pretty damn close to it. so yeah.

it's almost spring!!! even my toes are springy. i may not like pink, but this definitely called for some hot pink toes for sure.

i am just in the best most fabulous mood. i'm getting really in control and on top of all of my work, even to the point where i feel i can almost do some of my own personal work. mmmmmmhm. it's a good day.

took the bones of me shook the bones of me

in response to alissandra's comment on my previous (however short) post:

ya damn right.

but anyway, happy daylight savings everybody. i think it's funny that daylight savings isn't actually changing time... just a practice that synchronizes a mass change in the perception of time on nation-wide level. sweet. to me however, this time of year is exciting because right now, it is jutst one step closer to summer. and normally, no matter how much i enjoy summer and have enjoyed it in the past, i don't think that i have wanted it to come as much as i do right now. i mean in elementary school there was always the dragging feeling until the final bell when you could dash onto the bush, get home, and stay out well after the porch lights came on, playing a solid game of manhunt and chasing fireflies. now, it's the immense excitement of things to come and things to leave behind. right now, i have 8 more weeks left of my sophomore year. just 8. that is absolutely incredible to me. this year, despite many of it's less than happy events and ridiculous moments, has completely flown by i think perhaps even faster than the year before. this is terrifying, considering the fact that that means finals will be here very shortly, that anastasiya and i really need to think about and figure out where we'll be living, and then of course the prospect of moving out of this apartment.

however this is also just fabulously awesome.

i'm very much in the "excited about life" mode right now, even if most the excitement has to do with the somewhat near future.

some resolutions i have for the remainder of the semester:

actually go jogging. i've wanted to do this for a while, but never had the time. well, i dropped a class to get more work done and actually live like a normal human being, so i am going to further make use of the additional 24 hours to my life and get things done that i want to get done.

do better art work. again, with the more realistic amount of time i have to get things done now, this should reduce some stress that makes work more craptastic, and also giving my a normal amount of time to put into something to make it quality.

get to work on time on thursdays. again with the getting things done and being able to sleep.

not kill a few select people. you know who you are. actually... no... no you don't. but my goal is not to kill you during the rest of the year. we'll see how that goes.

things i'm so so so so so so excited for:

SUMMER! because this includes:

spending time with friends and family; when my parents come to pick me and all my stuff up at the end of this year, my dad is going to take me to a ball game! i honestly can't wait. it has been much too long since i've seen a live baseball game. i think the last time was the summer before freshman year.....
sleeping
annual family vacation to new jersey
maybe a camping trip?
working at the daycare some more - i love my kids!
sleeping
hanging out with certain awesome people.
taking an obscene amount of pictures
and, one thing that i'm most excited about (but shouldn't be yet because it's still so up in the air...) is a potential job i might have!!

see, this summer, i may be working for the Pennsylvania Governor's School of The Arts. my job would basically be to take care of, hang out and play with this adorable 4 year old girl. not only is it super cool that that would be my job, but included would be my own apartment and a college meal plan. i'd be surrounded by students attending the program, so oodles of all kinds of artists (musicians, visual artists, writers, etc.), and meet and hang out with the awesome people working there during my off hours. it would be for 7 weeks, so i'd still have a large chunk of my summer at home (it works out to almost 50/50). i'm super thrilled, and really hoping i get the job. i feel like i have a good shot, considering the fact i got an awesome recommendation (thanks beege!) and because of my experience with kids and all, but there's always the chance i won't, and unfortunately there's also the possibility that they won't need a nanny at all. so, i'm basically waiting to hear about all of that. i'm trying not to get my hopes up or put too much into it, but come on people..... if you honestly know me, then you're reading this and thinking "yeah, right... you're probably packed already." and to that i say...... well... what of it!?

so besides that, i am also excited to have discovered a new outlet for more personal feelings and such so as not to divulge a whole bunch of crap into this blog. see the other night while i was back home in new york, i mentioned online to bj that i needed to get out of the house. actually, i think it was more along the lines of "i neeeeeed to get ouuuuuuut of the hoooooooooouuuuuuuuuuussseeeeee." or something to that affect. to which he replied, "well go frolick." which sounded like a fabulous plan to me, so i did. it was freezing, and 1 in the morning, but it was a fabulous frolick. i took my camera with me, and ended up making a video of me just talking and spilling my guts about things that i felt like talking about. yay for video diaries! it's fun and i think easier to some respect because it can be difficult for me to express myself in writing/typing sometimes, so being able to talk and use hand gestures and the like is good. it also feels good to get things of your chest by saying them out loud. good times, for sure. so any way, i need to get my lazt bum out of bed and get cracking on all the work i didn't do over spring break. yaaay! buhbye my loves.

ok that was a lie - before i go: my brother drove me back to baltimore yesterday, and it was so hilarious and fun. i love my brother! i get to spend all of tuesday with him, so that'll be a good time. he made some fabulous analogies along the way, and also now have some very memorable catch phrases involving boston accents to cherish forever... heh heh heh...

alright, for serious, peace out girl scout.

lobsters and penguins

nope, the title for this blog isn't from a song. that'd be pretty interesting though huh?

i am however listening to come rain or come shine by b.b. king and eric clapton. so good. it's a bluesy kind of evening, but in the best kind of way. no worries - there's no mopeiness going on right now or anything. quite the contrary in fact, and alissandra can atest - i was on the phone with her for over an hour tonight, and there was an obscene amount of giggling.

i should be sleeping now but i decided to blog instead, because i'm super cool like that. my brother is driving me back down to baltimore tomorrow and is going to be around for a couple days, so that should be pretty fun. i've been trying to get him to come down for ages, and now he finally is!

actually, me sleepy, will finish this later tomorrow.....

who made, who made up, made up the myth

i have been pearl jamming my heart out.

i like titling some of my blogs with lyrics from songs i'm listening to at the moment.... mmmhmm.

so, i haven't been doing much on my break. but i've recently had the revelation that, well, that's ok. i'm not really supposed to be doing anything - it's my break! so you go to hell, work.

yesterday actually was full of good times though, once i managed to pull myself off of my bed and away from my tv and lap top. i don't have a car, so if i want to drive around places i have to kind of figure that out in advance, which is sometimes difficult for me because when it comes to going places or driving somewhere, i don't plan for the life of me. but eh! mostly the planning came from the fact that i was going to go out to lunch with my mom over her break that day, so i drove her in that morning so that i had the car. i drove back home, puttzed around a bit, and then showered and did all that good stuff. i lost track of time doing nothing, because it's such hard work dontcha know, and took off to grab my mom. we went to this place called double o, and they were quite tasty. very enjoyable. i love when i can sit down with my mom and just chat. she's pretty much my best friend - i can talk to her about pretty much anything, and she has some great advice. the same kind of goes for her too - she tells me everything and i try to give some outlook or perspective on it. sometimes that can get a little weary, because i think a lot of times parents don't really talk to their kids about everything going on, or what's really going on in their life, and when someone who you're used to being the rock shows that they're wavering, it can sometimes be difficult to handle. but i like being able to be there for her when i can, and i know a lot of it comes from the fact that sometimes it's just really good to have someone you can completely bear your soul to.

so yeah, we had a fabulous lunching experience, and i was able to tell her all the things that were weighing heavily on my mind. she has the knack for knowing when things are wrong when i don't even know something's wrong. gotta love mom's. : )

after lunch i had to bring her back to work, but by then she only had a little less than 3 hours left, so i went to the mall to pass the time. and i was in the mood to spend. which almost never happens.

i'm dangerous in that mood.

i went and got a haircut, which i absolutely love. i decided that it's time to grow these locks out - 3 years of short hair is enought for now. there's not much i can change with hair this short unless i shave my head, and i don't plan on doing that any time soon, so i'm going to try to do the longer hair thing again. after that, i headed over to h&m. i bought a killer black pin-striped blazer which is super cute, and totally rocked it for the rest of the day, and also got a black trench coat that, i must say, is freakin awesome. i also bought a black and white polka-dotted umbrella! woo! i pulled myself out of there, and headed to best buy. i went to get the new decemberists cd, the crane's wife, and also some pearl jam, but i'll be damned if there was just too much pearl jam for me to decide. i texted bj for his advice, as he is, to me, the pearl jam expert. i was trying to decide between 2 pre-determined cd's and he responded with "why just those?" where i thought dammit.... this is going to be a while. i knew i wanted to get their newest one, and then one other. he suggested Vs. and Yield, as those were 2 of his favorites, and that what he'd heard of their new stuff was pretty good. he then texted me again saying that those were more "rockin" albums and that Vitalogy and one other i can't remember were good for more softer stuff. damn my indecisiveness! i ended up putting back the decemberists and getting their new one, Vs., and Vitalogy. i feel that's a decent compromise, eh? hehe... i also finally got a wall charger for my ipod. i left there and wasn't done yet, so i went and looked at some puppies. always a bad idea. so cute, and so sad... i just wanted to take them all home with me. i got into a nice conversation with this guy about dogs, until this lady come over who i assume was his girlfriend and gave him the "let's go NOW" face, and left. i almost asked the someone who worked there to take out one of the bogle puppies for me to play with, but decided that probably wasn't a good idea. "so yeah mom, i got a hair cut, bought a new coat, some cd's, and oh yeah a puppy ok gotta go!" so instead i headed to the shoe department, which is equally bad as puppy shopping. i looked at some really cute black peep-toe kitten heels, but they didn't have my size, and that happened with 2 other pairs, so i took that as my sign to stop shopping. i definitely knew it was time to go when i was starting to justify spending $38 on a pair of sunglasses.

so i went i picked my mom up, and then had some delicious dinner cooked by my papa bear! and then i fell asleep listening to Vitalogy. then i woke up, woooo, and watched me, myself, & irene.

'twas a good day.

now i have to go and shower, and clean the house before my parents get home and before my aunt and uncle are here for dinner. plus, laur is coming by around 2! yaaay! that's all for now my loves.

tell me that you're alright yeah everything is alright

so i almost just beat the everloving crap out of my brother....
i forgot he shaved his head, and he's fast asleep on the couch.
ah well.

well, i'm home. or something like that. it gets weirder every time i come back - feels a little less and less like i belong here which is unfortunate. i love my parents and my brother a lot, we've always been close and get along great but by the end of any break i'm just so ready to be out of there. the unfortunate thing this time is that i was feeling that as soon as i got in the car after they picked me up from the train station. i mean it could be that i had been traveling for 12 hours too, and didn't really need/want to be fussed over at all.

i really shouldn't complain though. i'm really lucky to have the family that i have. they are incredible, and i would do anything for them as they would for me.

it is unfortunate though that mica decided to make spring break so early this year... everyone else is still at school. my best friend's break doesn't start until the end of this week, and she booked a trip to florida starting on the 9th, so there are only 2 days that she can actually hang out with me at all, which kind of blows. gwaaaaaar enough complaining!

i kicked off break pretty well, i feel - it was a lot of fun. i like fredonia a lot, and yay! so much snow!!! i was really excited to actually go some place where winter actually existed... even if everyone else there was ready to stab themselves in the face with an icicle. nothing too monumental happened - beege and i watched oodles of goodness, like tom & jerry's greatest chases, friends (season 4), nacho libre, pink floyd's the wall (sooooo gooooood!), and other fabulous things. it was so nice to just chill out and not have to worry about work or school. the trip back home was an adventure as well. it was long, but not awful. i took a bus from the fredonia campus to the buffalo train station (it's so tiny!), and had 2 hour and 40 minute layover there so i had the guy that worked there lock up my ginormous suitcase and took a walk through the windy windy streets. i got this absolutely delicious bowl of homemade soup and some splendid coffee - i took a picture of it with my cell phone and it is now the main wallpaper, because i'm a huge dork. what of it!?

once i caught the train, i slept for pretty much 5 1/2 hours straight, which was good, considering it was supposed to be about a 7 1/2 hour long ride. it did end up being longer, only because when we got into albany they had to switch engine cars (bj got fabulous texts from me yelling "they're switching the ENGINES! WTF!?" where he then explained that they were probably just switching the cars.... which made me feel better. and more sense), and also where albany was doing some sort of electrical testing and had to turn off the power. so my train was supposed to get home around 8 or something, and it ended up getting in about 9:30 instead, but that was ok. i had my laptop with me and was giggling along to some episodes of friends (have i mentioned i like friends? :-P) so the time went along quite nicely. and also, amtrak trains? A freakin +! so comfortable. good god.

well anyway, i'm going to go do some work and figure out what my week is going to look like... hopefully there is a haircut in my near future! and extra layers. because according to weather.com it is 11 degrees with a "feels like" factor of -4. f-you wind.

rubber duckies and earworms

thank goodness for leggings. i've mostly run out of clothes (it's time for a laundry run), and so the only clean pants in my closet that i felt like wearing were my shredded pair of paper denim jeans. they have probably the biggest hole you have ever seen, right through the lower butt portion on the left side. i've sewed them up before, but to no avail - my butt will not be held prisoner! so thank goodness for leggings.

at the moment, i'm working the desk at the commons. i'm covering ed's shift along with my own, so i'm here for 6 hours. i don't really mind at all. i actually like being here for 6 hours as opposed to just 3 - i feel like 3 is too short. that's just for me any way.

so when you work the desk and have all this time just kind of sitting around, you tend to make lots of discoveries on the computer. my favorite discovery of the day? that i could order a pizza online through allissa's pizza place (i hear they're the tastiest). and i did. i just received my confirmation email that my pizza will be delivered right to me at the desk in about 40 minutes. hells yes. another way for me to get around my extreme dislike of phones.

another thing i discoverd online was the term earworm. other names for this affliction include repetunitis, sound virus, or melodymania.

everyone.... i am afraid... that i too, have melodymania.

but don't fret! it's not as horrifying as it sounds. it's basically just almost always having a song stuck in your head. most commonly, an irritating one, and usually it's just a part of a song that gets stuck in a phonological loop. my songs run the gamut from my absolute favorites, ones that i have listened to repeatedly for way too long, ones that i haven't listened to, to my knowledge, pratically ever, to incredibly annoying. there is almost no time when i do not have a song stuck in my head - betcha didn't know that about me huh? at almost any instant, someone could ask me hey, what song is in your head? and by george i would have one to share with you. the only times i don't really have one going through my head is when i am or have just recently listening to oodles of music. like now. people who are sufferers of said earworms are more likely to have neurotic tendencies, like tapping finger, biting pencils and the sort. good to know.


so anywho, let's see.... i seem to have been able to break my blogging addiction. this is the first since wednesday night/thursday morning, yay for willpower! i think it was the newness of it that got me more than a little caught up in it.

last night, i had planned on staying home and working, and also doing laundry. instead i ended up falling asleep, waking up at 8:15pm, cleaning my room a bit, and then going to ronni's party (the first of two). oh well! i plan on getting tons done this evening.

my pizza's here!!

hit the road jack

alright. i can hear the mice in my walls and ceilings. one jerry was kind of cute and endearing, until of course he began chewing a hole through my door in the middle of the night and holes in anastasiya's favorite shirt. it became even less cute when we found out there was more than one. and especially when there was more than two. now if i can hear them knocking things around in the ceiling and running everywhere... a) just how many of these bastards are there, and b) how fucking big are they!?


i'm having visions of Professor Ratigan and his cronies running rampid through my home. not cool fellas, not cool.

let's do some dancin', break into song

best dream last night. pretty much ever. it made me late for work.

i can i will i do

so enough is enough. i'm sick of the angst, as i'm sure everyone else is. so time for a change of pace, and to fulfill the other half of my blog's name. we've all heard enough of the things i've been thunking for now... time for some doodles! pretty much one of my most favorite things to do is sketch, but infortunately i really haven't had time to do the kind of sketching i like, however i'm hoping that will change now that i have little bit of a more normal-sized course load. so, these sketches are mostly from last semester.

these first few are from when i had to pick a celebrity and draw the hell out of 'em. i picked mick jagger. i used to think he was pretty weird looking. after having to stare, memorize, and draw his face for two weeks... i'm kind of a little more than in love with him. what of it!?









so these next few are from another assignment. unfortunately some of the colors are a bit off.... i tried to correct them after i scanned them, and i did a pretty good job on most, but there are some... like the one titled "lali" that just was beyond my abilities. dang scanner... anywho. we had to pick an illustrator whose work we really enjoyed, and then do some really solid sketch studies of some of their illustrations. basically, copy them to the best of our ability to get their style. i picked rama hughes. i have a link to his site in the left section of this page. i really love his stuff - and he's just so incredibly nice. i emailed him a little, and he's just one of the kindest most genuine people you could ever hope to encounter. and something that made me happy is that almost all of his work doesn't have anything digital about it. he likes to use watercolors for the most part, and really isn't that big a fan of the whole digital thing (and neither am i). i included links to his originials underneath each, so i encourage anyone who looks at this to take a gander. so without further ado...

alec and the alligator

lali

more lali

the mystery men

peat shaulis

sam and stevie

hokay, so, these last couple are just some little guys that i've done that i like. i was trying to implement some of my newfound rama-skills, and had some fun doing them.

my dad
a sketch i did for a much larger watercolor. this was the second part of the "in the manner of" assignment, where we had to make a piece of our own, but.... well, in the manner of. i think i like this better than the finished piece.

my best friend lauren. i need to color it still. i'll get there eventually.

one of my roommates, katie. we're fans of going to diners at 3am.

so, after looking at these so much while posting, i think i've figured out that i really just need to do more of what i love, and that's portraits and work like all of this. i don't know why i've been having such a hard time with all of this illustration business, when it's kind of smacking me in the face. i just have to keep at it, and i'll get there. anywho, that's all for now. i think everyone has had enough visual stimulation for now.


and ps. i think justin and i may need a blog intervention.