showers and coffee mugs

i need to chill out, knock it off, and get down to it...

like a lot.

apparently there's a lot of stuff going on right now, and i'm unaware of most of it. the only thing i do know is that things are happening. everywhere. here at school, affecting school and the people here, back home, affecting family and friends, and also myself, and in my apartment, and in my own head. [warning, many ramblings soon to follow]

it's not cool to be completely clueless about your own mind. the worst is that i don't know why or what i'm thinking or doing things, and that makes it hard to do anything about it.

recently, as in the past few days/past week, i think i've been finding myself reverting back to ways i acted and handled situations in middle school/freshman year of highschool. which is absolutely no good. because i didn't really like myself when i acted that way. and the biggest problem is, i don't know why i do the things i do. i just really want to yell at myself, grow up! knock it off! my way of handling things back then never made anything better - it made things worse. and it wasn't so much handling as pretending things weren't happening and just going about my business, and i think even disregarding others in my attempts to pretend nothing was happening. i don't like it. in fact, i feel that i can even say i hate it.

i really just want to be left alone for a few days, i think. i feel like i just need to be away from people. but oh look.... desk shift in less than 3 hours... where i interact with everyone that comes by the desk.... awesome. i wish ana was here. i just want someone to curl up and be miserable and anti-social with.