Go. Eat. A. Cookie.

so.


hi everybody.



it's about seven thirty in the morning. i'm thinking i may go running in a half an hour or so. but probably not. who knows.

i'm giving a warning and apology to everyone everywhere: i'm mood swinging like crazy. not just a little. not even just more than usual [although it does fall into that category]. like... a lot.

i haven't gone through these motions since the first week i turned 13. that was a scary week.

i also want to thank a few people... yeah kind of oscar style.

first and foremost i want to thank my mom for not caring when i called her at 1am... and for her amazing ability to know something's wrong when i don't even know, and that even though she more often than not causes me to cry with her honey voice, it's usually because i need to. and thanks to her for flying out this coming weekend. me be thinkings that i needs it.

thanks to alissandra for making all her amazing lists for me.... you're kind of ridiculous and i love you for it.

beeegeeeee thank you for tolerating my mood swinginess the past couple days, and helping me see the silver linings of each of the choices i'm facing. you are all kinds of awesome. but you know that already.

so why am i writing this blog.

lately i feel like i shouldn't blog so much, because most of what comes out of me [however sincere] is just lots of pointless comments, observations, and feelings that i feel the need to spew. but you know what? i think that's ok. no one has to read this. and if they do, kudos to them, i guess. but it doesn't really matter. i'm not the best writer, and i'm not really too concerned if i'm entertaining anyone besides myself.

so why am i writing this blog...

for myself, i suppose.

yesterday i woke up just really not wanting to get out of bed. when i did, i called my mom and cried for about 45 minutes. then i felt kind of better, and went out with sandy pants. bought delicious sammiches, discussed the fascination the art store boy has with alissandra's adorable attire. it was good. finally sat down and figured out my schedule, in a rather apathetic state. talked to b for a while, and got really hyper and happy for no real reason, then took a nap. woke up, made a playlist entitled "let's get pumped" with things like johnny b. goode [think back to the future], frankenstein, world wide suicide [perhaps one of my favorite pearl jam jams? perhaps.], mmmbop [shut up], wake me up before you go go [shut up some more], enter sandman [mmmmmm, loves me my metallica fix...], footloose, beast and the harlot.... yeah. and more of all of that. and i'm all in like, a richard simmons energizer bunny state. and now i'm here. weird. completely mood swingy, and it's freaking me out.

i hate crying. i don't like doing it and i don't like doing in the presence of others. i have no problem being a shoulder for others, but i don't like it when i need one myself. i think i have this strange delusion that i'm stronger, or rather that i should be stronger than i actually am. that, i'm almost positive, i get from my father. and while i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, i think it may be something i should work on so that it doesn't pose any sort of problem in the future.

actually, i think it's exactly that which has been stressing me out lately, among other things. i think i'm having a very difficult time with the idea of others' perception of me as anything less than a strong, confident person. it's really shaking me quite a bit. i don't like coming off as being unstable, unsure, that i'm second guessing myself, that i am feeling inadequate. and i'm not just stressing about it in relation to how others see me; i'm getting really upset that i'm not living up to my own standards and how i see myself.

and not only that, but i have an awful pattern of feeling inadequate and sub par, stressing out a lot, shutting down completely and not getting things done that i need to get done, therefore feeling more stressed and inadequate and getting behind and thus shutting down some more. no good people, no good.

so, why am i writing this blog?

because writing things out apparently helps me figure things out and work through thoughts that i can't always on my own just sitting and thinking. and i'm trying to work through a lot of thoughts. like.... a lot. pretty much all culminating to whether or not i'm going to be back next semester. scary, i know.

and i can't tell if i just need to get over myself and get over it, or if it's something i truly need to do. i'm torn. but leaning towards the latter. although the title of my blog is in favor of the first... [haha, alliteration i love you.... i've been using it a lot lately without realizing it... fabulous, i know. but that's neither here nor there...] it comes from a web comic i enjoy reading. in the most recent installment, one of the main characters gets angry about something really stupid, gets called on it, then starts overreacting and overanalyzing about her freak out, wondering if she has something wrong with her that she needs to deal with, or, well.. if her blood sugar is just low. and all she needs to do is eat a cookie and get over it.

while i fully support the cookie idea, i don't know if that's what i need or not. either way, i will be wearing my overalls today i think, because nothing is better than overall pockets with cookies in them. kind of makes me happy in my heart. like... a lot.

ok, back to trying to not think about life. if you see me today... maybe give me a high five and a cookie. i think that would make me smile a lot. or if you're not that kind of person... a pound and a lollipop will do just fine.