ahem... is this thing on?

so, i haven't been blogging lately. and the past couple times i have blogged, it's been pretty uninteresting, both to write and read, i'm sure [not that my past blogs were absolutely captivating or anything, but still... i at least had fun writing them]. and oh yeah, side note, my number eight, nine, and zero key [so my asterisk and parentheses buttons too] aren't working, so ya know.... stay sharp. or something.

i haven't been blogging, not because i haven't necessarily had anything to say, but because ever since i had to limit who could read it i was all of a sudden very aware of the fact that i was writing to people. i mean, whether or not sam, justin, alissandra, tyler or bj even read this is beside the point. i wasn't just pouring my thoughts out to a faceless group. i'm sure many people would say "but wait, they'd be able to read it anyway" but it's more than that. i wasn't writing just to write and get things off my chest and out there. i felt like i was writing for people, and specific people. so, my blogging ability dried up, and because of that, so did my drive/will to keep up with my video diary. without having the blog to talk about supplemental stuff, i felt like i had too much going through my head to keep track of the bigger things that i normally talk about in my video diary. so as a result, i've been a little edgy. weird, huh? i wouldn't think something like that would make a difference, but it does. it was really nice to get things off my chest, and just being able to say things out loud.

when i was younger and was upset with something, or at someone, my mom would tell me to write a letter talking about why i was upset. so i'd start writing, and writing, and in a [barely] more organized form of stream-of-consciousness writing, i would be able to sort out my thoughts and really find the heart of what was making me upset, and just having things on paper and being able to get all that out of me was just such a load off of my mind and body.

i'm not saying it's better to just write things as opposed to actually talking to people about things. not in the least. but i am saying that sometimes it's good to be able to have an outside perspective on yourself... and just get things out so you can sort through them. every blog i write, i always end up reading it at least 3 separate times myself. i reflect a lot. i think back on things. i'm one of those people who once i hear a funny joke, ten minutes later after a completely different conversation, i'll randomly start laughing or just grinning wildly because i'll be thinking of that punch line.

i've always been really big on having keepsakes. i keep everything. i used to have a box full of things from past [think middle school era] boyfriends and the like.... cards they had given me, ticket stubs, pictures, random little things from outings together... after i got into a really serious relationship in highschool [that lasted for all of highschool] my mom came across it and made me get rid of the things inside. i think she felt like it was really unecessary. but for me, i need things like that to paw through and reflect on. even just to make me giggle at what a sentimental girl i can be sometimes. so, i did get rid of that middle school boyfriend box. but i started another one, not even consciously. but this box has other things in it, too - some things from past friendships, and newspaper clippings that i had liked or found insightful. i'm the same with photographs. i have boxes of pictures at home... and if you've seen my computer folders, you'll know that i have an oscene amount of pictures on my computer - enough that i organize them into days.

it's funny, because i think artsy people are some of the most pack-ratty people anyone could ever meet. sure, there are plenty of artists who don't, i'm sure... although i haven't really met too many... and there are plenty of non-artists who are major pack rats. i was having this conversation today actually with my friend max while we were getting some ice cream. i think a major difference between your typical pack-rat and an artist pack-rat is that us artists, we specialize. there's a category of something or a particular type of something that we almost collect in a way. max has a thing for old notecards and greeting cards. i know tyler loves his old paper-back books, as well as having a beautiful record collection. katie has door knobs. i have an odd love of old [and new] notes, wooden figurines, and of course, photos. i think in general i just like to collect. my poppy was probably the biggest pack rat of all time. maybe i get some of it from him.... he worked as a butcher for pretty much all of his life. he owned a deli and what not... when he retired, he still owned the deli but just wasn't working there anymore... but he was not one for being idle, so he started up another business. basically, he would clean out people's attics and basements, taking away all of their old stuff. where'd all this stuff wind up, you ask? his and my gram's attic. and what was originally his smoke-house. and then the shed he added onto that. my poppy passed away when i was 3, but my grandma, as much as all his junk drove her crazy, kept most of it. she died when i was 7, and the last few months she was alive my family went to live with her and then lived there for 2 years after the fact. so, we got to clean out most of that... that was probably one of my favorite times living there. i'm sure my parents weren't too thrilled, since they were doing all the work - i don't think i've seen anyone have as many yard sales in such a short period of time as we did - but to dig through all the old stuff.... amazing. and oh yeah, i also have a love of old containers and tins. at one point, i found this super old container of sardines. the tin was gorgeous. my mom wouldn't let me open it. shucks.... he had old guitars, clarinets, harmonicas, paintings, this really weird life size wood cut-out of this flapper woman in a green dress that could stand on it's own, and just tons of odds and ends. thinking back i'm shocked that our ceiling held up.

i think that [and i could be completely off, but go with me] each of us collect certain things in a way to hold on to memories. i think each of us attach a certain idea to a particular sort of object, and form a connection with these things. like i said, i could be completely off and the reason why you can't pass up those old buttons or that wooden frame is because you just think they look really awesome. but i know for me i form connections with things, and i've always been a fan of nostalgia.

wow it feels good to rant again.

i don't even know if i fixed the settings on my blog or not. if not: b, sam, justin, tyler, sandy - hope you enjoyed.