all of our mugs are in the dishwasher, so i'm drinking my coffee out of an empty jam jar.
kind of makes me giggle.
after getting some sun on sunday [left shoulder is slowly becoming less lobster-like, thankyouverymuch], my scar is ridiculously pronounced. it's making me think i need to work on a killer story for it... however the tiger story sam helped me come up with at the beginning of the semester is still a personal fave.
it's been absolutely phenomenal in baltimore that last few days. the sunshine is doing some good. yesterday evening was particularly fabulous - everything about the air and the dark was perfect. good job, nature. good job.
because it's been so amazing, i left my windows completely open today. yay! my orchid enjoyed sitting on the sill, catching the breeze. i didn't even mind the fact that my room was bordering on uncomfortable in temperature. and i'm pretty picky about my room temp. it was just nice to get things done and work in my room with the sounds and breezes from outside seeping in, mixing with the crooning of steven page and his wacky counterparts. i was actually really surprised at all i got done today. i mean, most of it was running around cleaning and getting errands done, but there was also some illustrating and 4 hours of drawing homework in there too. i still think i'm kind of screwed for one class though.
i've been putting off my work for love in the non western world a lot. like... a lot a lot. partly because i don't really enjoy that class, which is incredibly dissapointing to me, considering that i had been really excited to take it in the first place. and also because i keep prioritizing things above it. i would much rather work on my life drawing or read hamlet, or work on my illustrations than sit down and focus on what i need to focus on for this class, which is a real shame because all the literature for it is amazing. i would love to actually sit down and enjoy pretty much everything that we've been assigned to read for this class, and i'm kicking myself now for not trying harder to make time for all the books [12, mind you...] but at the same time i don't think it ever would have been possible. i think this semester really messed me up/i really messed up my work schedule. it's definitely given me a lot of hindsight.
i really need to work on this final review due thursday... the questions are ridiculously intense... and i want to finish them tonight. possible? no. probably not. am i still going to try? yep. probably much deeper into the early morning than i should. hmm... wish me luck. this will be an interesting evening.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Sunday, April 22, 2007
sunburn and hot dogs
today is beautiful.
even with all that is going on or not going on, today is glorious. it's eighty degrees out, and there is not even one cloud in the sky. and i am just so very much in love with the grass and birds right now.
i feel like it's impossible to be upset while you're outside on this sort of day. i'm sure i'm completely wrong, but please, no one burst this bubble of naiveness just yet. let me just bask in it a while longer...
so the previous post - after talking with my sandy pants and working through my ideas, i think i've figured out everything i need to figure out. i guess sometimes all it takes is talking to someone else about what you're feeling, even if you really feel like you just need to fall off the edge of the earth for a while.
oh i also was super lame today and did a mini photoshoot of myself while sitting in my bedroom window. i'm just super cool like that. my pal dan would be quite proud. and angry that i didn't invite him over to be completely ridiculous with me. ohs wells.
so this is probably pointless blog #52, but meh. i'm so content right now. i don't think my body has felt this relaxed in a while, despite my sunburned shoulders.
ahhhhh. i'm just going to continue basking for a bit longer.
even with all that is going on or not going on, today is glorious. it's eighty degrees out, and there is not even one cloud in the sky. and i am just so very much in love with the grass and birds right now.
i feel like it's impossible to be upset while you're outside on this sort of day. i'm sure i'm completely wrong, but please, no one burst this bubble of naiveness just yet. let me just bask in it a while longer...
so the previous post - after talking with my sandy pants and working through my ideas, i think i've figured out everything i need to figure out. i guess sometimes all it takes is talking to someone else about what you're feeling, even if you really feel like you just need to fall off the edge of the earth for a while.
oh i also was super lame today and did a mini photoshoot of myself while sitting in my bedroom window. i'm just super cool like that. my pal dan would be quite proud. and angry that i didn't invite him over to be completely ridiculous with me. ohs wells.
so this is probably pointless blog #52, but meh. i'm so content right now. i don't think my body has felt this relaxed in a while, despite my sunburned shoulders.
ahhhhh. i'm just going to continue basking for a bit longer.
Saturday, April 21, 2007
showers and coffee mugs
i need to chill out, knock it off, and get down to it...
like a lot.
apparently there's a lot of stuff going on right now, and i'm unaware of most of it. the only thing i do know is that things are happening. everywhere. here at school, affecting school and the people here, back home, affecting family and friends, and also myself, and in my apartment, and in my own head. [warning, many ramblings soon to follow]
it's not cool to be completely clueless about your own mind. the worst is that i don't know why or what i'm thinking or doing things, and that makes it hard to do anything about it.
recently, as in the past few days/past week, i think i've been finding myself reverting back to ways i acted and handled situations in middle school/freshman year of highschool. which is absolutely no good. because i didn't really like myself when i acted that way. and the biggest problem is, i don't know why i do the things i do. i just really want to yell at myself, grow up! knock it off! my way of handling things back then never made anything better - it made things worse. and it wasn't so much handling as pretending things weren't happening and just going about my business, and i think even disregarding others in my attempts to pretend nothing was happening. i don't like it. in fact, i feel that i can even say i hate it.
i really just want to be left alone for a few days, i think. i feel like i just need to be away from people. but oh look.... desk shift in less than 3 hours... where i interact with everyone that comes by the desk.... awesome. i wish ana was here. i just want someone to curl up and be miserable and anti-social with.
like a lot.
apparently there's a lot of stuff going on right now, and i'm unaware of most of it. the only thing i do know is that things are happening. everywhere. here at school, affecting school and the people here, back home, affecting family and friends, and also myself, and in my apartment, and in my own head. [warning, many ramblings soon to follow]
it's not cool to be completely clueless about your own mind. the worst is that i don't know why or what i'm thinking or doing things, and that makes it hard to do anything about it.
recently, as in the past few days/past week, i think i've been finding myself reverting back to ways i acted and handled situations in middle school/freshman year of highschool. which is absolutely no good. because i didn't really like myself when i acted that way. and the biggest problem is, i don't know why i do the things i do. i just really want to yell at myself, grow up! knock it off! my way of handling things back then never made anything better - it made things worse. and it wasn't so much handling as pretending things weren't happening and just going about my business, and i think even disregarding others in my attempts to pretend nothing was happening. i don't like it. in fact, i feel that i can even say i hate it.
i really just want to be left alone for a few days, i think. i feel like i just need to be away from people. but oh look.... desk shift in less than 3 hours... where i interact with everyone that comes by the desk.... awesome. i wish ana was here. i just want someone to curl up and be miserable and anti-social with.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
things i like [a lot]
- coffee
- cloves
- cookies
- overalls
- cookies in overalls
- holding hands [love]
- hugs
- kissing
- getting picked up [as in physically lifted]
- tackling people [with love]
- getting tackled [with love]
- showering
- leaving notes
- getting notes
- .oo5 micron pens
- notebook paper
- other people's cold hands on my neck and face
- sketching
- wood - working with it, carving it, drawing & painting on it, feeling it
- concerts
- sewing
- naps
- fire escapes
- photos
- polaroids
- cuddling [love love love]
- swings
- sneakers
- being barefoot
- taking walks in the middle of the night
- playing catch
- wooden animal figurines
- climbing trees
- hopping fences
- tire swings
- sun showers [warm rain in general]
- camp/bon fires
- blankets
- cuddling while barefoot and wrapped in a blanket, while also sipping coffee around a bon fire
- roasting marshmallows on a stick [charred if you please]
- lists
- laughing until it hurts
- the feeling after crying really [really] hard
- singing to songs, especially in the car to the radio
- making babies laugh and smile
- getting up early [6]
- staying up late [...5]
- driving
- road trips
- traffic james while i'm driving
- drawing cityscapes
- drawing people
- honesty to a fault
- grocery shopping [2am]
- writing backwards
- mix tapes/cds
- giving back rubs
- getting back rubs
- old photo booths
- t-shirts [especially boys tees from the village]
- upside-down hugs to people on couches
- quotes
- receiving drunken phone calls
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Go. Eat. A. Cookie.
so.
hi everybody.
it's about seven thirty in the morning. i'm thinking i may go running in a half an hour or so. but probably not. who knows.
i'm giving a warning and apology to everyone everywhere: i'm mood swinging like crazy. not just a little. not even just more than usual [although it does fall into that category]. like... a lot.
i haven't gone through these motions since the first week i turned 13. that was a scary week.
i also want to thank a few people... yeah kind of oscar style.
first and foremost i want to thank my mom for not caring when i called her at 1am... and for her amazing ability to know something's wrong when i don't even know, and that even though she more often than not causes me to cry with her honey voice, it's usually because i need to. and thanks to her for flying out this coming weekend. me be thinkings that i needs it.
thanks to alissandra for making all her amazing lists for me.... you're kind of ridiculous and i love you for it.
beeegeeeee thank you for tolerating my mood swinginess the past couple days, and helping me see the silver linings of each of the choices i'm facing. you are all kinds of awesome. but you know that already.
so why am i writing this blog.
lately i feel like i shouldn't blog so much, because most of what comes out of me [however sincere] is just lots of pointless comments, observations, and feelings that i feel the need to spew. but you know what? i think that's ok. no one has to read this. and if they do, kudos to them, i guess. but it doesn't really matter. i'm not the best writer, and i'm not really too concerned if i'm entertaining anyone besides myself.
so why am i writing this blog...
for myself, i suppose.
yesterday i woke up just really not wanting to get out of bed. when i did, i called my mom and cried for about 45 minutes. then i felt kind of better, and went out with sandy pants. bought delicious sammiches, discussed the fascination the art store boy has with alissandra's adorable attire. it was good. finally sat down and figured out my schedule, in a rather apathetic state. talked to b for a while, and got really hyper and happy for no real reason, then took a nap. woke up, made a playlist entitled "let's get pumped" with things like johnny b. goode [think back to the future], frankenstein, world wide suicide [perhaps one of my favorite pearl jam jams? perhaps.], mmmbop [shut up], wake me up before you go go [shut up some more], enter sandman [mmmmmm, loves me my metallica fix...], footloose, beast and the harlot.... yeah. and more of all of that. and i'm all in like, a richard simmons energizer bunny state. and now i'm here. weird. completely mood swingy, and it's freaking me out.
i hate crying. i don't like doing it and i don't like doing in the presence of others. i have no problem being a shoulder for others, but i don't like it when i need one myself. i think i have this strange delusion that i'm stronger, or rather that i should be stronger than i actually am. that, i'm almost positive, i get from my father. and while i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, i think it may be something i should work on so that it doesn't pose any sort of problem in the future.
actually, i think it's exactly that which has been stressing me out lately, among other things. i think i'm having a very difficult time with the idea of others' perception of me as anything less than a strong, confident person. it's really shaking me quite a bit. i don't like coming off as being unstable, unsure, that i'm second guessing myself, that i am feeling inadequate. and i'm not just stressing about it in relation to how others see me; i'm getting really upset that i'm not living up to my own standards and how i see myself.
and not only that, but i have an awful pattern of feeling inadequate and sub par, stressing out a lot, shutting down completely and not getting things done that i need to get done, therefore feeling more stressed and inadequate and getting behind and thus shutting down some more. no good people, no good.
so, why am i writing this blog?
because writing things out apparently helps me figure things out and work through thoughts that i can't always on my own just sitting and thinking. and i'm trying to work through a lot of thoughts. like.... a lot. pretty much all culminating to whether or not i'm going to be back next semester. scary, i know.
and i can't tell if i just need to get over myself and get over it, or if it's something i truly need to do. i'm torn. but leaning towards the latter. although the title of my blog is in favor of the first... [haha, alliteration i love you.... i've been using it a lot lately without realizing it... fabulous, i know. but that's neither here nor there...] it comes from a web comic i enjoy reading. in the most recent installment, one of the main characters gets angry about something really stupid, gets called on it, then starts overreacting and overanalyzing about her freak out, wondering if she has something wrong with her that she needs to deal with, or, well.. if her blood sugar is just low. and all she needs to do is eat a cookie and get over it.
while i fully support the cookie idea, i don't know if that's what i need or not. either way, i will be wearing my overalls today i think, because nothing is better than overall pockets with cookies in them. kind of makes me happy in my heart. like... a lot.
ok, back to trying to not think about life. if you see me today... maybe give me a high five and a cookie. i think that would make me smile a lot. or if you're not that kind of person... a pound and a lollipop will do just fine.
hi everybody.
it's about seven thirty in the morning. i'm thinking i may go running in a half an hour or so. but probably not. who knows.
i'm giving a warning and apology to everyone everywhere: i'm mood swinging like crazy. not just a little. not even just more than usual [although it does fall into that category]. like... a lot.
i haven't gone through these motions since the first week i turned 13. that was a scary week.
i also want to thank a few people... yeah kind of oscar style.
first and foremost i want to thank my mom for not caring when i called her at 1am... and for her amazing ability to know something's wrong when i don't even know, and that even though she more often than not causes me to cry with her honey voice, it's usually because i need to. and thanks to her for flying out this coming weekend. me be thinkings that i needs it.
thanks to alissandra for making all her amazing lists for me.... you're kind of ridiculous and i love you for it.
beeegeeeee thank you for tolerating my mood swinginess the past couple days, and helping me see the silver linings of each of the choices i'm facing. you are all kinds of awesome. but you know that already.
so why am i writing this blog.
lately i feel like i shouldn't blog so much, because most of what comes out of me [however sincere] is just lots of pointless comments, observations, and feelings that i feel the need to spew. but you know what? i think that's ok. no one has to read this. and if they do, kudos to them, i guess. but it doesn't really matter. i'm not the best writer, and i'm not really too concerned if i'm entertaining anyone besides myself.
so why am i writing this blog...
for myself, i suppose.
yesterday i woke up just really not wanting to get out of bed. when i did, i called my mom and cried for about 45 minutes. then i felt kind of better, and went out with sandy pants. bought delicious sammiches, discussed the fascination the art store boy has with alissandra's adorable attire. it was good. finally sat down and figured out my schedule, in a rather apathetic state. talked to b for a while, and got really hyper and happy for no real reason, then took a nap. woke up, made a playlist entitled "let's get pumped" with things like johnny b. goode [think back to the future], frankenstein, world wide suicide [perhaps one of my favorite pearl jam jams? perhaps.], mmmbop [shut up], wake me up before you go go [shut up some more], enter sandman [mmmmmm, loves me my metallica fix...], footloose, beast and the harlot.... yeah. and more of all of that. and i'm all in like, a richard simmons energizer bunny state. and now i'm here. weird. completely mood swingy, and it's freaking me out.
i hate crying. i don't like doing it and i don't like doing in the presence of others. i have no problem being a shoulder for others, but i don't like it when i need one myself. i think i have this strange delusion that i'm stronger, or rather that i should be stronger than i actually am. that, i'm almost positive, i get from my father. and while i don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, i think it may be something i should work on so that it doesn't pose any sort of problem in the future.
actually, i think it's exactly that which has been stressing me out lately, among other things. i think i'm having a very difficult time with the idea of others' perception of me as anything less than a strong, confident person. it's really shaking me quite a bit. i don't like coming off as being unstable, unsure, that i'm second guessing myself, that i am feeling inadequate. and i'm not just stressing about it in relation to how others see me; i'm getting really upset that i'm not living up to my own standards and how i see myself.
and not only that, but i have an awful pattern of feeling inadequate and sub par, stressing out a lot, shutting down completely and not getting things done that i need to get done, therefore feeling more stressed and inadequate and getting behind and thus shutting down some more. no good people, no good.
so, why am i writing this blog?
because writing things out apparently helps me figure things out and work through thoughts that i can't always on my own just sitting and thinking. and i'm trying to work through a lot of thoughts. like.... a lot. pretty much all culminating to whether or not i'm going to be back next semester. scary, i know.
and i can't tell if i just need to get over myself and get over it, or if it's something i truly need to do. i'm torn. but leaning towards the latter. although the title of my blog is in favor of the first... [haha, alliteration i love you.... i've been using it a lot lately without realizing it... fabulous, i know. but that's neither here nor there...] it comes from a web comic i enjoy reading. in the most recent installment, one of the main characters gets angry about something really stupid, gets called on it, then starts overreacting and overanalyzing about her freak out, wondering if she has something wrong with her that she needs to deal with, or, well.. if her blood sugar is just low. and all she needs to do is eat a cookie and get over it.
while i fully support the cookie idea, i don't know if that's what i need or not. either way, i will be wearing my overalls today i think, because nothing is better than overall pockets with cookies in them. kind of makes me happy in my heart. like... a lot.
ok, back to trying to not think about life. if you see me today... maybe give me a high five and a cookie. i think that would make me smile a lot. or if you're not that kind of person... a pound and a lollipop will do just fine.
Sunday, April 8, 2007
cigarettes and chocolate milk
...... and i'm feeling so good.
being home has never felt so wonderful. it's just for a couple days, but i think it was a much needed excursion. and my mom is always so happy to have my brother and i in the same place for an extended period of time. we all sat together on the couch last night to watch.... the end of something. i can't even remember. but when my brother sat down, my mom exclaimed "aw look! we're possuming!" which has been a long-standing inside joke between my immediate family since i was about eight years old. i'm not really sure how we first started saying it, but it basically refers to any time that we all squish together on the couch. sometimes we'll even sing it along to the tune of the addam's family... replacing addam's with possum, of course, and even including the finger snapping... yeah, we're huge dorks. are my quirks making more sense now? yeah.... i love my family.
tomorrow is easter, and we'll be having a fabulous ham and such, and then i'll have to get all my things together to be at the airport that evening to fly back to school. only about 4 weeks of classes left - kind of terrifying and awesome. i just really can't wait for the summer, for many different reasons, which i believe i've gone over in previous posts, hehe... i don't actually know if i do say it before or not, but i got the job in erie! woo! i am just so pumped for it. it will be pretty awesome, for sure. the little girl who i'll be the nanny for sent me a homemade card the other day. too adorable... she's pretty amazing. her mom said she's been making a bunch to give to me when i see them again in june.
lots of things to look forward too. i've been keeping little landmarks of time in mind to finish out the semester... i just can't wait for this year to be done with. a new thing to be excited about is that ana and i may have a new place to live, which will be nice to not have to worry about. we just have to get all our paper work in and what not and hopefully there shouldn't be any snags. a not so new development but still super exciting thing to look forward to is that bj will be visiting me here in baltimore soon! he'll actually be here the second to last week of school, so that will be pretty sweet. i bought tickets to the led zeppelin tribute show, so it will be a pretty hap'nin' time.
oh, and my laptop is kind of dying.... my poor baby.... the screen is all floopy, and it's got that awful red line going down the side, and now the eight, nine, and zero keys aren't working.... beege is going to take a look at it when he gets here, but who knows. there's no way i'm getting rid of it any time soon, but i may have to start restricting how often i tote it around with me. i almost always bring it to work with me, and if i travel home or whatever it always comes along. i have to admit i guess i haven't handled it as gingerly as i should have, but i suppose for how i have it's really held up nicely. it's one of the 3 things which i consider "m' babies." and oh yeah, it's name is charlie. but it's a girl. shush, i'm weird and i know it - i embrace it. the older i get the more i realize all of my neurotic tendencies, and just realize some of the strange things that come out of my mouth. but in turn the more i realize this, the more comfortable i am with it. i'm just more and more happy to be myself and just be comfortable with myself, and live unapologetically. as long as i'm not hurting anybody, so what if i'm kind of a loon? there's definitely crazier people out there.
plus i mean you always bet on the crazy one in a fight. so i'm golden. unless i get into a fight with a much more insane person. then i'm pretty much SOL.
being home has never felt so wonderful. it's just for a couple days, but i think it was a much needed excursion. and my mom is always so happy to have my brother and i in the same place for an extended period of time. we all sat together on the couch last night to watch.... the end of something. i can't even remember. but when my brother sat down, my mom exclaimed "aw look! we're possuming!" which has been a long-standing inside joke between my immediate family since i was about eight years old. i'm not really sure how we first started saying it, but it basically refers to any time that we all squish together on the couch. sometimes we'll even sing it along to the tune of the addam's family... replacing addam's with possum, of course, and even including the finger snapping... yeah, we're huge dorks. are my quirks making more sense now? yeah.... i love my family.
tomorrow is easter, and we'll be having a fabulous ham and such, and then i'll have to get all my things together to be at the airport that evening to fly back to school. only about 4 weeks of classes left - kind of terrifying and awesome. i just really can't wait for the summer, for many different reasons, which i believe i've gone over in previous posts, hehe... i don't actually know if i do say it before or not, but i got the job in erie! woo! i am just so pumped for it. it will be pretty awesome, for sure. the little girl who i'll be the nanny for sent me a homemade card the other day. too adorable... she's pretty amazing. her mom said she's been making a bunch to give to me when i see them again in june.
lots of things to look forward too. i've been keeping little landmarks of time in mind to finish out the semester... i just can't wait for this year to be done with. a new thing to be excited about is that ana and i may have a new place to live, which will be nice to not have to worry about. we just have to get all our paper work in and what not and hopefully there shouldn't be any snags. a not so new development but still super exciting thing to look forward to is that bj will be visiting me here in baltimore soon! he'll actually be here the second to last week of school, so that will be pretty sweet. i bought tickets to the led zeppelin tribute show, so it will be a pretty hap'nin' time.
oh, and my laptop is kind of dying.... my poor baby.... the screen is all floopy, and it's got that awful red line going down the side, and now the eight, nine, and zero keys aren't working.... beege is going to take a look at it when he gets here, but who knows. there's no way i'm getting rid of it any time soon, but i may have to start restricting how often i tote it around with me. i almost always bring it to work with me, and if i travel home or whatever it always comes along. i have to admit i guess i haven't handled it as gingerly as i should have, but i suppose for how i have it's really held up nicely. it's one of the 3 things which i consider "m' babies." and oh yeah, it's name is charlie. but it's a girl. shush, i'm weird and i know it - i embrace it. the older i get the more i realize all of my neurotic tendencies, and just realize some of the strange things that come out of my mouth. but in turn the more i realize this, the more comfortable i am with it. i'm just more and more happy to be myself and just be comfortable with myself, and live unapologetically. as long as i'm not hurting anybody, so what if i'm kind of a loon? there's definitely crazier people out there.
plus i mean you always bet on the crazy one in a fight. so i'm golden. unless i get into a fight with a much more insane person. then i'm pretty much SOL.
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
and so on...
i'm changing the address for my blog... keep an eye out on facebook for the new address, so you can update your google reader.... hehe i love geeking out...
ahem... is this thing on?
so, i haven't been blogging lately. and the past couple times i have blogged, it's been pretty uninteresting, both to write and read, i'm sure [not that my past blogs were absolutely captivating or anything, but still... i at least had fun writing them]. and oh yeah, side note, my number eight, nine, and zero key [so my asterisk and parentheses buttons too] aren't working, so ya know.... stay sharp. or something.
i haven't been blogging, not because i haven't necessarily had anything to say, but because ever since i had to limit who could read it i was all of a sudden very aware of the fact that i was writing to people. i mean, whether or not sam, justin, alissandra, tyler or bj even read this is beside the point. i wasn't just pouring my thoughts out to a faceless group. i'm sure many people would say "but wait, they'd be able to read it anyway" but it's more than that. i wasn't writing just to write and get things off my chest and out there. i felt like i was writing for people, and specific people. so, my blogging ability dried up, and because of that, so did my drive/will to keep up with my video diary. without having the blog to talk about supplemental stuff, i felt like i had too much going through my head to keep track of the bigger things that i normally talk about in my video diary. so as a result, i've been a little edgy. weird, huh? i wouldn't think something like that would make a difference, but it does. it was really nice to get things off my chest, and just being able to say things out loud.
when i was younger and was upset with something, or at someone, my mom would tell me to write a letter talking about why i was upset. so i'd start writing, and writing, and in a [barely] more organized form of stream-of-consciousness writing, i would be able to sort out my thoughts and really find the heart of what was making me upset, and just having things on paper and being able to get all that out of me was just such a load off of my mind and body.
i'm not saying it's better to just write things as opposed to actually talking to people about things. not in the least. but i am saying that sometimes it's good to be able to have an outside perspective on yourself... and just get things out so you can sort through them. every blog i write, i always end up reading it at least 3 separate times myself. i reflect a lot. i think back on things. i'm one of those people who once i hear a funny joke, ten minutes later after a completely different conversation, i'll randomly start laughing or just grinning wildly because i'll be thinking of that punch line.
i've always been really big on having keepsakes. i keep everything. i used to have a box full of things from past [think middle school era] boyfriends and the like.... cards they had given me, ticket stubs, pictures, random little things from outings together... after i got into a really serious relationship in highschool [that lasted for all of highschool] my mom came across it and made me get rid of the things inside. i think she felt like it was really unecessary. but for me, i need things like that to paw through and reflect on. even just to make me giggle at what a sentimental girl i can be sometimes. so, i did get rid of that middle school boyfriend box. but i started another one, not even consciously. but this box has other things in it, too - some things from past friendships, and newspaper clippings that i had liked or found insightful. i'm the same with photographs. i have boxes of pictures at home... and if you've seen my computer folders, you'll know that i have an oscene amount of pictures on my computer - enough that i organize them into days.
it's funny, because i think artsy people are some of the most pack-ratty people anyone could ever meet. sure, there are plenty of artists who don't, i'm sure... although i haven't really met too many... and there are plenty of non-artists who are major pack rats. i was having this conversation today actually with my friend max while we were getting some ice cream. i think a major difference between your typical pack-rat and an artist pack-rat is that us artists, we specialize. there's a category of something or a particular type of something that we almost collect in a way. max has a thing for old notecards and greeting cards. i know tyler loves his old paper-back books, as well as having a beautiful record collection. katie has door knobs. i have an odd love of old [and new] notes, wooden figurines, and of course, photos. i think in general i just like to collect. my poppy was probably the biggest pack rat of all time. maybe i get some of it from him.... he worked as a butcher for pretty much all of his life. he owned a deli and what not... when he retired, he still owned the deli but just wasn't working there anymore... but he was not one for being idle, so he started up another business. basically, he would clean out people's attics and basements, taking away all of their old stuff. where'd all this stuff wind up, you ask? his and my gram's attic. and what was originally his smoke-house. and then the shed he added onto that. my poppy passed away when i was 3, but my grandma, as much as all his junk drove her crazy, kept most of it. she died when i was 7, and the last few months she was alive my family went to live with her and then lived there for 2 years after the fact. so, we got to clean out most of that... that was probably one of my favorite times living there. i'm sure my parents weren't too thrilled, since they were doing all the work - i don't think i've seen anyone have as many yard sales in such a short period of time as we did - but to dig through all the old stuff.... amazing. and oh yeah, i also have a love of old containers and tins. at one point, i found this super old container of sardines. the tin was gorgeous. my mom wouldn't let me open it. shucks.... he had old guitars, clarinets, harmonicas, paintings, this really weird life size wood cut-out of this flapper woman in a green dress that could stand on it's own, and just tons of odds and ends. thinking back i'm shocked that our ceiling held up.
i think that [and i could be completely off, but go with me] each of us collect certain things in a way to hold on to memories. i think each of us attach a certain idea to a particular sort of object, and form a connection with these things. like i said, i could be completely off and the reason why you can't pass up those old buttons or that wooden frame is because you just think they look really awesome. but i know for me i form connections with things, and i've always been a fan of nostalgia.
wow it feels good to rant again.
i don't even know if i fixed the settings on my blog or not. if not: b, sam, justin, tyler, sandy - hope you enjoyed.
i haven't been blogging, not because i haven't necessarily had anything to say, but because ever since i had to limit who could read it i was all of a sudden very aware of the fact that i was writing to people. i mean, whether or not sam, justin, alissandra, tyler or bj even read this is beside the point. i wasn't just pouring my thoughts out to a faceless group. i'm sure many people would say "but wait, they'd be able to read it anyway" but it's more than that. i wasn't writing just to write and get things off my chest and out there. i felt like i was writing for people, and specific people. so, my blogging ability dried up, and because of that, so did my drive/will to keep up with my video diary. without having the blog to talk about supplemental stuff, i felt like i had too much going through my head to keep track of the bigger things that i normally talk about in my video diary. so as a result, i've been a little edgy. weird, huh? i wouldn't think something like that would make a difference, but it does. it was really nice to get things off my chest, and just being able to say things out loud.
when i was younger and was upset with something, or at someone, my mom would tell me to write a letter talking about why i was upset. so i'd start writing, and writing, and in a [barely] more organized form of stream-of-consciousness writing, i would be able to sort out my thoughts and really find the heart of what was making me upset, and just having things on paper and being able to get all that out of me was just such a load off of my mind and body.
i'm not saying it's better to just write things as opposed to actually talking to people about things. not in the least. but i am saying that sometimes it's good to be able to have an outside perspective on yourself... and just get things out so you can sort through them. every blog i write, i always end up reading it at least 3 separate times myself. i reflect a lot. i think back on things. i'm one of those people who once i hear a funny joke, ten minutes later after a completely different conversation, i'll randomly start laughing or just grinning wildly because i'll be thinking of that punch line.
i've always been really big on having keepsakes. i keep everything. i used to have a box full of things from past [think middle school era] boyfriends and the like.... cards they had given me, ticket stubs, pictures, random little things from outings together... after i got into a really serious relationship in highschool [that lasted for all of highschool] my mom came across it and made me get rid of the things inside. i think she felt like it was really unecessary. but for me, i need things like that to paw through and reflect on. even just to make me giggle at what a sentimental girl i can be sometimes. so, i did get rid of that middle school boyfriend box. but i started another one, not even consciously. but this box has other things in it, too - some things from past friendships, and newspaper clippings that i had liked or found insightful. i'm the same with photographs. i have boxes of pictures at home... and if you've seen my computer folders, you'll know that i have an oscene amount of pictures on my computer - enough that i organize them into days.
it's funny, because i think artsy people are some of the most pack-ratty people anyone could ever meet. sure, there are plenty of artists who don't, i'm sure... although i haven't really met too many... and there are plenty of non-artists who are major pack rats. i was having this conversation today actually with my friend max while we were getting some ice cream. i think a major difference between your typical pack-rat and an artist pack-rat is that us artists, we specialize. there's a category of something or a particular type of something that we almost collect in a way. max has a thing for old notecards and greeting cards. i know tyler loves his old paper-back books, as well as having a beautiful record collection. katie has door knobs. i have an odd love of old [and new] notes, wooden figurines, and of course, photos. i think in general i just like to collect. my poppy was probably the biggest pack rat of all time. maybe i get some of it from him.... he worked as a butcher for pretty much all of his life. he owned a deli and what not... when he retired, he still owned the deli but just wasn't working there anymore... but he was not one for being idle, so he started up another business. basically, he would clean out people's attics and basements, taking away all of their old stuff. where'd all this stuff wind up, you ask? his and my gram's attic. and what was originally his smoke-house. and then the shed he added onto that. my poppy passed away when i was 3, but my grandma, as much as all his junk drove her crazy, kept most of it. she died when i was 7, and the last few months she was alive my family went to live with her and then lived there for 2 years after the fact. so, we got to clean out most of that... that was probably one of my favorite times living there. i'm sure my parents weren't too thrilled, since they were doing all the work - i don't think i've seen anyone have as many yard sales in such a short period of time as we did - but to dig through all the old stuff.... amazing. and oh yeah, i also have a love of old containers and tins. at one point, i found this super old container of sardines. the tin was gorgeous. my mom wouldn't let me open it. shucks.... he had old guitars, clarinets, harmonicas, paintings, this really weird life size wood cut-out of this flapper woman in a green dress that could stand on it's own, and just tons of odds and ends. thinking back i'm shocked that our ceiling held up.
i think that [and i could be completely off, but go with me] each of us collect certain things in a way to hold on to memories. i think each of us attach a certain idea to a particular sort of object, and form a connection with these things. like i said, i could be completely off and the reason why you can't pass up those old buttons or that wooden frame is because you just think they look really awesome. but i know for me i form connections with things, and i've always been a fan of nostalgia.
wow it feels good to rant again.
i don't even know if i fixed the settings on my blog or not. if not: b, sam, justin, tyler, sandy - hope you enjoyed.
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