playlists and leaves

oh my, it's been just over a year since my previous blog. what's ironic is that post, although only lyrics to a song, was about the relationship i was in and the emotions i was feeling, which i thought the song expressed well.

today, however, is the opposite end of the spectrum. no worries, it's not emo-tastic, i promise; just stay tuned.

for a week and a half after it happened, i was inconsolable. or rather, i didn't want to be consoled. i wanted to sink into my sadness. i even went as far as the ever-so masochistic route of creating a "< / 3" playlist for my ipod, in true "me generation" fashion. everytime time i played it i was pretty much a blubbering mess for about two hours (apologies to the madre, who received two phone calls from, what i'm sure she could only assume to be, whales trying to connect with her).

i reread the email (yes, the email) over again, and the equally lengthy and unfulfilling one i replied with. i thought about the short phone conversation that had transpired a few days after the emails, and the points he and i both made. i realized that most of the points he made, as much as i hated to admit it, were right. i was giving up too much of myself, and receiving nothing in return.

i started to realize what i deserved, and what i wanted, and that really, i had been trying to keep an incomplete relationship going thinking i was getting what i needed. or that i could hold out until he was in a place where he could actually want to give me what i needed emotionally.
the truth is, he's just not that sort of person. and i don't resent him for it; it's just who he is. maybe he could be, but not right now and not with me. am i emotionally needy? i never thought so, but i suppose compared to some. but honestly i think i crave and want what anyone else does, and that in any healthy relationship those emotional deficiencies really would not be there.

suddenly, something clicked.

"i should have let him break up with me the last time he tried to... or even the first time..."

whoa. back up.

i should have... let him. break up with me the last time. the first time.

um. what?

no one should ever, in the entirety of a relationship, feel like they're forcing or convincing someone to stay with them. to which i'm sure whomever is reading this is thinking "ummm duh?" and to think of it in terms of letting him break up with me? having the super power of crystal clear hindsight, i know i should have had the strength to let go of something that was so toxic to my soul.

well, if i couldn't do it then, i was going to do it now.

through the beginning of the break-up, despite the rather pathetic ipod listening, i tried to keep in mind some simple advice a family friend/therapist had given me during a session. Keep Busy. and that's what i did. i refused to let anything get in the way of living my life, especially in a new school and new city, living in a new apartment on my own. i went out, i met people. i did things. i got shit done. i became so socially and physically productive, it was insane.

during a dish-washing epiphany, i also realized what i really wanted to do with my life, career and school wise, and the next day i went to registrar and took care of things.

i'm pretty much the happiest i've been in 5 years, and i'm pleased to say that's not an exaggeration.

i no longer wanted to listen my < / 3 playlist.

the beginning of this week, i was taking a shower, blasting my ipod. it was on shuffle, and i was having a fabulously random sing-a-long, when i suddenly froze. my song came on. it was the song he had written and recorded for me. not only for me, but about me.

my initial thought process was "i should turn it off" but i didn't. i ignored that, and became incredibly pragmatic, which is a little unusual for me. i asked myself what i really felt and thought about the song now. and honestly, when i stopped and thought... i smiled. i didn't feel anything about it. well, that's not true. it didn't make me sad at all to hear it. in fact, i felt excited and pretty happy. not at all in an amorous way, but more in an... i'm awesome, sort of way.

seriously. i thought, "man, someone at one point thought enough of me to write this. i had a big enough effect on someone that he wrote this song... about me. how cool is that!?"

so that's really where i am right now, and where i have been for the past few weeks. i'm getting things done, i'm busy, i'm making some incredible friends, and i'm so amazingly happy.

and i owe it all to a break-up. funny how things work, huh?

i think that possibly maybe i'm falling for you
yes there's a chance that i've fallen quite hard over you
i've seen the paths that your eyes wander down
i wanna come too
i think that possibly maybe i'm falling for you

no one understands me quite like you do
through all of the shadowy corners of me
i never knew just what it was
about this old coffee shop i love so much
all of the while i never knew

i never knew just what it was
about this old coffee shop i love so much
all of the while i never knew


i think that possibly maybe i'm falling for you
yes there's a chance that i've fallen quite hard over you
i've seen the waters that make your eyes shine
now i'm shining too
because oh because
i've fallen quite hard over you

if i didn't know you
i'd rather not know
if i couldn't have you
i'd rather be alone

i never knew just what it was
about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew

i never knew just what it was
about this old coffee shop
i love so much
all of the while i never knew

all of the while

all of the while it was you

-landon pigg

falling in love at a coffee shop

away messages and peppermint lip gloss

i hate:

going back to something i'm unsure of

while leaving something i'm completely sure about.

lavendar and developer

so my mom, dad, and brother all have Lyme disease. my brother has had it for about 10 years now, but they were able to catch it super early and pretty much nipped it in the bud so he may not have it really anymore, however it supposedly stays in your system for your entire life. during last summer while on our family vacation in new jersey, my dad discovered a large tell-tale bull's eye rash on his arm. for a person who does have Lyme, they should consider themselves pretty lucky to get this symptom, because not everyone does. this allowed my dad to get himself to the doctor relatively quickly and get checked up... however he had the misfortune of having probably one of the only doctor's who would tell him it was probably nothing to worry about. he didn't think it was Lyme - he said he thought my dad had a bad spider bite. mind you, the bull's eye was at least 5 inches in diameter. it wasn't until several tests, another doctor's opinion, and 6 weeks later that it was concluded that he did in fact have Lyme, and got started on medicine for it. the 6 weeks my dad went through not getting correct treatment, and then the time it took before the medicine was able to sink in and do its thing, was a little nerve racking. my dad is one to never ever get sick, and during this time he came home early from work about a 10 times due to not feeling well. now my mom did not have the luxury of having the commonly Lyme-linked bull's eye. she just felt miserable all the time, and decided she probably had it too. the first several tests for it also came back negative, which happens a lot with Lyme, but she had a doctor who was pretty much the antitheses of my father's first, and she was also convinced my mom had Lyme and started treatment on her for it before they got a definite answer. eventually her tests did read positive for it, however while my father was pretty much all better by this point and back to his old self, my mom had gotten worse, and here her doctor had started treating her right away. she battled with it all through the winter and fall, feeling run down all the time and generally not well. she felt tired, she ached, she had numbness in her left leg and one side of her face. i don't think a full week of work went by where there wasn't at least one day that she had to come home early. i hadn't seen her like this in almost 15 years - when i was about 6 1/2 or 7 years old my mom had cervical cancer, and although i didn't fully understand what was happening i knew something wasn't right and knew that my mom was not well. she was supposed to be the strong one, i was supposed to stuck in bed, or my brother. so, her troubles with Lyme persisted however she finally got on some medication by the next summer that seemed to be doing some good. however, the unfortunate thing with it is that when the medicine is doing its best and doing what it's meant to do, that's when you feel the worst. the doctors call it the "die off" period, which is basically when your body has been consistently barraged by it and it has finally started to sink into the Lyme bacteria, killing it off. this puts your body into overdrive leaving you feeling fatigued, headache-y, and generally miserable. this happens about every 2 weeks. we went on vacation, back to the jersey shore, in mid-late august for a week, and i hadn't seen my mom look so healthy in... well, about a year. and all she wanted to do while we were on the beach was to be in the water, be in the salt air. my mom hasn't wanted to go in the ocean, and hadn't willingly, since my brother and i were small. she had no aches, no pains, no fatigue. as we were getting ready to leave, quite literally as we were about to pull away from the house and hop on the road to drive home, my mom and dad rushed the landlord and booked the house for 2 weeks next summer.

after she got back, she decided something amazing most have come from being in the salt water and breathing in the air, and that it was time to find a new way to treat herself for Lyme. she talked to her doctor about it, about a month and a half ago she started on a more holistic approach and started on the path of homeopathy, and got herself another new doctor who practiced these things. she has been doing amazing, and has felt so good. sea salt baths, change of diet, a daily helping of what is called a "remedy" but that neither of us have any idea what's in it. and also my mom has been reading up on homeopathy and is completely fascinated from it. i am quite happy to see her doing so well. it's long overdue.

my mom brought to my attention something that really struck me and that we both found it surprising and rather interesting. see, my family has often wondered how i haven't gotten Lyme. i have a preoccupation with the outdoors and am not exactly what you would call cautious in the preparing myself for nature. i love running around barefoot, lying in grass, climbing trees, stomping in puddles, picking up bugs... i'm pretty much a 12 year old boy, affirmatively. but i've always, always been drawn to lavendar. i don't know what it is, but something about it has captivated me and i love having it all around. there's of course the aromatherapy aspect of it, lavendar being a key to relaxation. but i love it and am always on the lookout for the best lavendar scent. so anyway, my mom told me about something her new doctor told her, and that was that lavendar repels ticks. who would have thunk? doesn't seem like it should be that simple.

i had bought 2 thin leather bracelets while at the beach and haven't taken them off since i first put them on, so the lavendar smell of my body wash has soaked in. however now that i have been taking photography and making prints, so has the smell of the photo chemicals. not as nice as lavendar, that's for sure. but anywho... here's a couple pictures i've developed recently:

ok so i lied. blogger is being a pain in the tush.

also, check out the new link i have in my links list over to the left, Musings of a Musician. my friend BJ has started up a blog and would love a little debate. let's give it to him!

sunday, monday

tuesday wednesday, thursday friday saturday...
sunday monday, tuesday wednesday thursday friday saturday...

there are seven days there are seven days there are seven days in a week,
sunday monday, tuesday wednesday, thursday friday saturday.

i love my kids.

had a wonderful, however long and rainy, day at the daycare with all of our "enchanted friends!" love it? i do.

i also had a rather productive larry session today, and instead of talking about everything i've decided i'm going to do, i'm going to go do them. and will report back shortly.

batman stickers and rubber mulch

well hello there again my friends.

there are several people that are currently baltimorians [not to be confused with baltimorons] that i desperately miss. i blame you, for making me like you so much. sounds fair, i think.

so recently [as in the past 3 hours] i have found myself captivated by the soft, moody, yet ever so frilly tunes of ingrid michaelson - you'd probably know her by the old navy sweater commercial. she's quite enjoyable, in a sugary sweet sense. sweet like... maybe butterscotch. not like cotton candy or sweet tarts.

i've been taking classes at the community college here at home, and it has definitely been interesting. i love the science classes i'm in - mainly, geology. enough so it has me thinking that i'd like to get a degree in it after all my mica business and teach in that as well as art. it's also been very bizarre, being home. i do miss living on my own a great deal. everything here just pretty much feels like i'm in limbo, no matter how much i enjoy family and friends here. i'm most assuredly past the living at home phase of my life. i've found that whenever i come home after having been away at mica, i revert back to being rather dependent on my mom and dad. my mom is very quick to take care of people, i.e. doing laundry, picking up after people, making me something to eat/grab me something from the kitchen if she's in there... and i don't like that. when i reflect on it, it just makes me feel like such a bum and i think that my parents get in erroneous depiction of me and my level of responsibility. so the past few weeks i've been trying very hard to thwart this by being my consciously on top of things, and even turning down offers for my dad to wait for me for dinner, so that i make something for myself.

and on the topic of making things for myself [in the food category that is], i've been trying to not be so gross with the way i have had the tendency to eat. i think anastasiya, alissandra and tyler know better than most the eating habits i sometimes have. to explain it in the minimalistic of terms, if not careful, i eat like i'm a 5 year old left to fend for their self. popcorn and ice cream for lunch anyone? no? how about swedish fish and mac & cheese for breakfast?

also on the health kick, i've been trying to go running [again]. i do actually enjoy it when i'm by myself, and drown out everything around me with my ipod. and i've been doing yoga. what what!

basically all of this is working into my attempt to be healthier all around - physically, metabolically, mentally, emotionally.

so we've got the physical taken care of with running and yoga, metabolically speaking we have the healthier diet, mentally we have [again] yoga, and also larry [those of you who are unaware of larry, he is {gasp!} my therapist], and emotionally we have larry again, me weeding out situations and negative thoughts that have caused me distress in the past, my family, lauren [are relationship has really strengthened a great deal with me being home], bree of course, and the newest addition, who has probably done the most good, graham.



other recent news, i am back working at the daycare. yaaay! i love my little munchkins. i'm working quite a few hours. today i had class from eight to eight fifty a.m. and then work from nine thirty until five thirty p.m. it was a bit of a long day. luckily though, the day goes by unusually fast. it's always split up into segments so it makes it very easy to pass the time.

well, i am off to play a game of literati [the poor man's scrabble.... well... .the yahoo messenger version anyway] and then go to bed for a few hours before my classes tomorrow. woo! good night, sweet dreams, be well.

plastic toys and juice boxes

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess,
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls-
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.

ingrid michaelson

hope chests and green tea

i love feeling the warmth of my hands leave me when i press them against something.

fruit punch and mohawks

wow k so um... hi!

it's been a while, huh?

.... how's the fam?

and your gerbil? its asthma doing ok?

so i'm at my summer job in pa, and it's going quite nicely. the little girl i'm watching is quite a sweetie, and we have lots of good times. i got to dress up as a fairy today.

my summer is greatly improved compared to last summer, however it's definitely had an obscene amount of lows. ohs wells.

tonight, after my evening shower, i gave someone a mohawk. i'm not very good at using clippers, i found out. it's quite a crooked mohawk... whoops. in about fifteen minutes i'm going to head over to one of the auditoriums and a bunch of us are going to watch caddy shack on the huge screen. good times fo sho.

throughout my life i periodically have the same revelation; that i am much too unopinionated about many things. most things actually. this is good for the fact that it make me a non-argumentative person [and i hate arguing] but it also makes me someone who can't form a strong opinion on something. which as we all know, is kind of lame. you need to have opinions on things. and what's even worse is that i don't even have strong opinions on things that have to do with myself. i feel like i'm in a constant state of contradiction with myself. always. hm.

wow so yeah that little bit probably seems really random... but only because i'm not telling all that i could be telling to fill in the huge gaps so that you could get the whole picture. ohs wells.

sunglasses and swingsets

happy moms day to all those groovy moms out there.

my mom is still fast asleep, and my papa bear is downstairs scurrying about in the kitchen... there's a bouquet of roses sitting on her breakfast plate along with a big envelope. my parents are so cute... my dad comes off as being pretty rough around the edges, but it's indescribable the place my mom has in his heart. and the same for goes her.

---

momentary gap there - my mom woke up and i went down to have breakfast with her and pops. she opened up her gifts from my dad, and saw the chocolate covered strawberries that my brother made for her in the fridge [he's still passed out on the couch]. she opened up my gift - i had done a little drawing of my brother and i from when we were little. it slipped my mind that she is the crazy weepy type over that type of stuff, so that caught me off guard but it's all good. i was actually pretty pleased with the drawing... well i actually think of it as more of a finished sketch sort of thing... i think i'd like to do something more with it. well... do a more finished piece or something. here it is...




i've been itching to work with wood again too, and have been trying to figure out a way to use it in my illustration process. either way, it was fun to do. it was the first time i had used acrylic in a while, and the first time in a very very long while that i had used it the way i had. it was fun, and i think i need to do more of it.

i had decided that if i couldn't get any art done during the week [and even if i do] that saturday mornings and afternoons will be art time for me. whenever i would come home from breaks in the past, i would very easily and quickly settle into a stagnant state, not doing any work and being super lazy. so far, that has not been the case at all. i haven't done that much art, but i've been busy. i got home tuesday afternoon after a whirlwind of a moving job in baltimore, and started working at the daycare wednesday, doing a double shift, then working thursday and friday as well. i'm working 3 days this upcoming week, too. i've also been trying to be a better friend and actually hang out with the people here. that's another thing i would find myself doing - i'd get home, and just want to shut myself off from everyone and forget that i could even have fun with them, then the last week i would be around town i'd realize i had promised all these people i would spend time with them, and would try to play catch up with my last few days, and that would just get me frazzled. so, thursday after work and all that i went to eighties night a few towns over with my friends dave and jason, and that was pretty fun. they're crazy... i had hoped laur would come too but she had lots going on already, but we might go next week. woo hoo! friday night i did actually get to hang out with lulu - we both got off work at the same time, and she came over for dinner, and then we went for some icecream and picked up a couple movies to watch [failure to launch and deja vu], which was stellar. then yesterday, dave came over in the afternoon and we drew for a little while. i did an awful drawing of him... it was the first arty thing i had done since i'd been back, and sweet bajeesus was it bad, haha...


it looked better before i decided to play with my little kids pastels on it... ohs wells. later i did the drawing for my mom, and that was better, so there ya go.

long story short -

it's been excellent being home. i miss baltimore... or rather, i miss my friends in baltimore/mica, and parts of the city. and i'm really pretty sad i'm missing tyler's commencement... i'm trying not to think about it too much. i miss you guys.

but i'm also happy being home for a little while. and it's nice keeping busy here. i'm not a fan of some of the middle school drama i've come home to, but at least it's not my drama - just stuff i end up hearing about a lot. again - ohs wells. i also really love my job at the daycare, working with the 3+4 year olds. they're my favorites. they don't have an attitude yet, which is nice... but they still have a personality.

and although i shouldn't, out of my kids i do have a favorite. his name is joey, and he's almost 4. we were on the swings thursday, and he started talking to me about death. he's recently grasped the concept, because his dad's dog died not too long ago i guess. joey started talking about dying, and he was getting so choked up... he was talking about how one day he was going to get old, old like his dad, and older, and that his dad would die, and then he would die. he stopped swinging, and looked straight in my eyes with the saddest, most concerned look on his face. he said "when i die, if i get really sick and die, will you pray for me?"

i just looked at him for a second, but said yes of course i would - but that that was something he wouldn't have to worry about for a long long time. i said to him he was healthy as a horse, and that he didn't need to think about that. he calmed down a bit, but continued talking for a little while, talking about, and also asking at the same time, about how everyone would die at some point. i said that yeah, at some point everyone does die. but that that's why we have to love our friends and family and have fun with them and take care of yourself and others.

it was really interesting, because here is this 4 year old boy trying to grasp the meaning of life and death, and talking about it so openly and being brutally honest, and completely raw - and i just wanted to give the same back to him, but it was also so difficult to tread the line of how much to say or what should be said, and also how to say it - even though he's obviously a smart kid, he's still 4, and although i by no means talk down to kids [i try to talk to them like people - they understand so much more than some people give them credit for], i still had to really think about the way i said or phrased things so that he could understand. it really forced me to try to simplify what can easily be, and is, a complex thing. that's just been something on my mind for a while.... all of it.

he's an amazing little guy. his favorite song is "raindrops keep falling on my head."

he always sings this part -

raindrops keep falling on my head - but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red. crying's not for me cause - i'm never gonna stop the rain by complaining, because i'm free - nothing's worrying me.

he's been singing that since i first met him last summer.