id bracelets and hamachi

i'm back at my mom and dad's from the hospital! still feeling a little light headed - not woozy at all, but.... ok, you know that fun trick where you stand in a doorway and press your arms to the frame of the doorway as hard as you can for about 30 seconds, and when you step away it feels like your arms are floating up? well that's kind of how i feel when i stand up for too long. so i'm keeping my tush in place until further notice :).

mom, papa bear and myself stayed in a holiday inn last that was closer to the hospital. it was only about 45 minutes away from the house but the weather was so awful last night that we didn't want to have to worry about it.

then it was off to the hospital this morning! everyone was so nice there. i hate hate hate needles, and they had to put the iv almost immediately after i got there - my nurses Tara and Carol were wonderful, and we chatted the whole time - Tara laughed at me when Carol walked in the room with all the iv stuff because without really realizing it i took a huuuuge breath in and out. Tara had done all my pre-test stuff the few days before and knew needles aren't exactly my fave so she just burst out, which made me laugh and relax a bit. annny way, that was all good. they put my little i.d. bracelets on, one of which was a bright yellow one...

my brother just fell in love with when he saw it hehe. they're required to put it on everyone in the hospital, but still, it made us both giggle. col says i should where it ar

ound for a few days, just to throw people off. i agree.

so like i said, everyone there was so friendly. when i was rolled into the operating room, i had to wait for the anaesthesiologist. one of my surgeons and 3 of my nurses came out and were talking with me and we got joking and giggling, and then the anaesthesiologist, Steve, came out, which meant we were getting this show on the road. he was very funny, and he pulled out his syringe and assured me it wasn't a shot, it was just going right into the iv. still all giggly, nurse Chris asked if i was ready, and Steve said "You're gonna LOVE this." it hit me pretty quick, and i laughed and said whoa you're not kidding - i had been sitting up (i don't like laying down in hospital beds unless i have to) and decided it was a good time to lean back, which Steve confirmed by laughing and saying "yeah, that's a good idea." i giggled, and the next thing i knew i was waking up in the recovery room, where another nurse was sitting with me reading a magazine. she saw stir and cheerfully said "well hello there!" i smiled, said hi, and fell back to sleep, hehe. when i finally woke up, she was still there, and chuckled. "how are you doing? would you like to try to wake up, and we can take you back to your mom and dad?" i agreed, with a lot of hesitation, because all i wanted to do was go back to sleep, but i talked with her for a little while until i got out of my sleepy, resistant (and very typical sleepy cory) state.

long story short, i'm back, and feeling good. they got the results back immediately and said that it definitely was a fibroadenoma, and i shouldn't have any problems. there's a possibility that i could get another one, but if/when that happens we can reevaluate things and generally just cross the bridge when we come to it, as the old adage goes.

so i feel pretty great right now. so much better compared to the biopsy - i think that's what had me most nervous because recovering after the biopsy, while not too trying, just hurt so bad. i had a lot of pain. and with this, during surgery they inserted a type of numbing, pain med into where the F.A. had been, which is supposed to last for 5 days. sweet!

annnd i'll also be able to start swimming again really soon, and the doctor said it really shouldn't be a problem at all. yay! can't wait.

ok, i suppose that's enough for now. if blogger stops being sassy i'll upload that picture, and also upload a picture of my daily drawing (which has yet to be done, but will be done as part of my NY resolution!)

hugs
peace, and love

playlists and leaves

oh my, it's been just over a year since my previous blog. what's ironic is that post, although only lyrics to a song, was about the relationship i was in and the emotions i was feeling, which i thought the song expressed well.

today, however, is the opposite end of the spectrum. no worries, it's not emo-tastic, i promise; just stay tuned.

for a week and a half after it happened, i was inconsolable. or rather, i didn't want to be consoled. i wanted to sink into my sadness. i even went as far as the ever-so masochistic route of creating a "< / 3" playlist for my ipod, in true "me generation" fashion. everytime time i played it i was pretty much a blubbering mess for about two hours (apologies to the madre, who received two phone calls from, what i'm sure she could only assume to be, whales trying to connect with her).

i reread the email (yes, the email) over again, and the equally lengthy and unfulfilling one i replied with. i thought about the short phone conversation that had transpired a few days after the emails, and the points he and i both made. i realized that most of the points he made, as much as i hated to admit it, were right. i was giving up too much of myself, and receiving nothing in return.

i started to realize what i deserved, and what i wanted, and that really, i had been trying to keep an incomplete relationship going thinking i was getting what i needed. or that i could hold out until he was in a place where he could actually want to give me what i needed emotionally.
the truth is, he's just not that sort of person. and i don't resent him for it; it's just who he is. maybe he could be, but not right now and not with me. am i emotionally needy? i never thought so, but i suppose compared to some. but honestly i think i crave and want what anyone else does, and that in any healthy relationship those emotional deficiencies really would not be there.

suddenly, something clicked.

"i should have let him break up with me the last time he tried to... or even the first time..."

whoa. back up.

i should have... let him. break up with me the last time. the first time.

um. what?

no one should ever, in the entirety of a relationship, feel like they're forcing or convincing someone to stay with them. to which i'm sure whomever is reading this is thinking "ummm duh?" and to think of it in terms of letting him break up with me? having the super power of crystal clear hindsight, i know i should have had the strength to let go of something that was so toxic to my soul.

well, if i couldn't do it then, i was going to do it now.

through the beginning of the break-up, despite the rather pathetic ipod listening, i tried to keep in mind some simple advice a family friend/therapist had given me during a session. Keep Busy. and that's what i did. i refused to let anything get in the way of living my life, especially in a new school and new city, living in a new apartment on my own. i went out, i met people. i did things. i got shit done. i became so socially and physically productive, it was insane.

during a dish-washing epiphany, i also realized what i really wanted to do with my life, career and school wise, and the next day i went to registrar and took care of things.

i'm pretty much the happiest i've been in 5 years, and i'm pleased to say that's not an exaggeration.

i no longer wanted to listen my < / 3 playlist.

the beginning of this week, i was taking a shower, blasting my ipod. it was on shuffle, and i was having a fabulously random sing-a-long, when i suddenly froze. my song came on. it was the song he had written and recorded for me. not only for me, but about me.

my initial thought process was "i should turn it off" but i didn't. i ignored that, and became incredibly pragmatic, which is a little unusual for me. i asked myself what i really felt and thought about the song now. and honestly, when i stopped and thought... i smiled. i didn't feel anything about it. well, that's not true. it didn't make me sad at all to hear it. in fact, i felt excited and pretty happy. not at all in an amorous way, but more in an... i'm awesome, sort of way.

seriously. i thought, "man, someone at one point thought enough of me to write this. i had a big enough effect on someone that he wrote this song... about me. how cool is that!?"

so that's really where i am right now, and where i have been for the past few weeks. i'm getting things done, i'm busy, i'm making some incredible friends, and i'm so amazingly happy.

and i owe it all to a break-up. funny how things work, huh?