playlists and leaves

oh my, it's been just over a year since my previous blog. what's ironic is that post, although only lyrics to a song, was about the relationship i was in and the emotions i was feeling, which i thought the song expressed well.

today, however, is the opposite end of the spectrum. no worries, it's not emo-tastic, i promise; just stay tuned.

for a week and a half after it happened, i was inconsolable. or rather, i didn't want to be consoled. i wanted to sink into my sadness. i even went as far as the ever-so masochistic route of creating a "< / 3" playlist for my ipod, in true "me generation" fashion. everytime time i played it i was pretty much a blubbering mess for about two hours (apologies to the madre, who received two phone calls from, what i'm sure she could only assume to be, whales trying to connect with her).

i reread the email (yes, the email) over again, and the equally lengthy and unfulfilling one i replied with. i thought about the short phone conversation that had transpired a few days after the emails, and the points he and i both made. i realized that most of the points he made, as much as i hated to admit it, were right. i was giving up too much of myself, and receiving nothing in return.

i started to realize what i deserved, and what i wanted, and that really, i had been trying to keep an incomplete relationship going thinking i was getting what i needed. or that i could hold out until he was in a place where he could actually want to give me what i needed emotionally.
the truth is, he's just not that sort of person. and i don't resent him for it; it's just who he is. maybe he could be, but not right now and not with me. am i emotionally needy? i never thought so, but i suppose compared to some. but honestly i think i crave and want what anyone else does, and that in any healthy relationship those emotional deficiencies really would not be there.

suddenly, something clicked.

"i should have let him break up with me the last time he tried to... or even the first time..."

whoa. back up.

i should have... let him. break up with me the last time. the first time.

um. what?

no one should ever, in the entirety of a relationship, feel like they're forcing or convincing someone to stay with them. to which i'm sure whomever is reading this is thinking "ummm duh?" and to think of it in terms of letting him break up with me? having the super power of crystal clear hindsight, i know i should have had the strength to let go of something that was so toxic to my soul.

well, if i couldn't do it then, i was going to do it now.

through the beginning of the break-up, despite the rather pathetic ipod listening, i tried to keep in mind some simple advice a family friend/therapist had given me during a session. Keep Busy. and that's what i did. i refused to let anything get in the way of living my life, especially in a new school and new city, living in a new apartment on my own. i went out, i met people. i did things. i got shit done. i became so socially and physically productive, it was insane.

during a dish-washing epiphany, i also realized what i really wanted to do with my life, career and school wise, and the next day i went to registrar and took care of things.

i'm pretty much the happiest i've been in 5 years, and i'm pleased to say that's not an exaggeration.

i no longer wanted to listen my < / 3 playlist.

the beginning of this week, i was taking a shower, blasting my ipod. it was on shuffle, and i was having a fabulously random sing-a-long, when i suddenly froze. my song came on. it was the song he had written and recorded for me. not only for me, but about me.

my initial thought process was "i should turn it off" but i didn't. i ignored that, and became incredibly pragmatic, which is a little unusual for me. i asked myself what i really felt and thought about the song now. and honestly, when i stopped and thought... i smiled. i didn't feel anything about it. well, that's not true. it didn't make me sad at all to hear it. in fact, i felt excited and pretty happy. not at all in an amorous way, but more in an... i'm awesome, sort of way.

seriously. i thought, "man, someone at one point thought enough of me to write this. i had a big enough effect on someone that he wrote this song... about me. how cool is that!?"

so that's really where i am right now, and where i have been for the past few weeks. i'm getting things done, i'm busy, i'm making some incredible friends, and i'm so amazingly happy.

and i owe it all to a break-up. funny how things work, huh?