i have always been a firm believer that boys and girls can be friends without any heart-strings attached. however recently i've stepped back and have been forced to reexamine my current situation and past experience, as well as listen to what other people have to say, and i have to tell ya - i'm not so steadfast any more. does love and feeling the need to "take the friendship to the next level" always have to interfere? and why does there have to be another level to friendship?
personally, i've always felt like i get along a bit better with guys; i'm just more relaxed for the most part when i'm around them. this isn't to say i can't get along with girls, and i don't consciously choose to be better off with guys or anything like that. i don't really know what it is exactly. i must say i think i am a little bit more picky with my female friends, and i think i have a tendency to weed out some friendships and i usually only hang on to my female friends that i really feel like i have some deep connection with and with whose friendship i value very highly. with guys, i'm a bit more carefree in the friending, and when i find a fella that i can have a deep connection with, it's extra uber fabulous. but again not necessarily leading into the romantic territory in my book.
but, has every guy, or at least maybe the majority of guys, that i have ever been friends with
had "potential relationship" on the radar?
and is it completely naive of me and idealistic of me to think that it wouldn't be an issue?
lately, i think yes.
which brings me to another point in this whole thing... i hate to be the cause of someones bad feelings. i hate to feel like i am the reason that someone is miserable because of unreciprocated feelings. i also don't mean to make it sound like i am just sooooo awesome and boys just looooove me and i just can't help it if i've broken soooo many hearts, because i realize that's how this could come across... because seriously people. i've got a lot of baggage. i have a potentially rather irritating voice, an occasionally obnoxiously boisterous laugh, incredibly awkward in conversation, and in hindsight i think i can sometimes come across as a bitch. but anyway, if those cases come up where i make a feller friend feel like crap, all i want to do is make that person feel better. so much so. because i do value their friendship so much. but i also realize, that, well... maybe that person really doesn't want to have anything to do with me at that moment because they do feel so shitty.
or at all.
and i end up just wishing so much that i did care about them that way. so much. so much so that it makes me second guess my own chances of happiness with someone because of the guilt i feel.
because as cookie-cutter as it is, i just want people to be happy. to find happiness within themselves and others. and i want to be able to be as full a friend to them as possible, which includes caring and understanding and laughing and crying and sharing and being able to walk, talk, eat, and watch tv together while enjoying the others company without worrying about what the other feels in addition to the friendship.
but that's not how it works.
and that makes a sad cory.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
under blankets, above sheets
i did it. i dropped a class. be proud.
i had pulled another all nighter to finish work for my class today (well, a most-of-the-nighter, i slept about an hour and a half), just in case i couldn't drop it for whatever reason. i had never dropped a class before so i didn't really know the procedure or what to expect. i actually got there even before any one in the registrar office. i went to open the door and saw a dark room. luckily, someone who worked there was right behind me. i wished her a sleepy good-morning and she asked me if i needed to drop anything off. i told her no, i just needed to drop a class and she handed me the paper, and just said to fill it out and place it in the bin. in my head i was thinking "that's it?!? i was terrified of a bin?" and promptly filled out the form. i asked her how long it would take to be processed and go into effect, and she said "oh, sometime today." again, i was shocked and excited. i thanked her, and began the walk of shame/relief back to my apartment. i ran into james on the way, as he works in the photo department every morning and gets off around 8:40am or so, and he asked me to breakfast. i thanked him for the offer, but decided it was probably best if i just went and slept. that morning was the first time i had really noticed a physical effect (besides being very tired and slightly incoheren) due to not sleeping for several days. i felt so weak. i had even had a hard time walking up the stairs to go into the main building. i felt as though, with all i was carrying (both figuratively and literally) and my lack of sleep, a strong wind would have landed me on the pavement.
i got back to my place, stripped myself of my materials and book bag, coat, jeans, my many layers of sweaters, and slid/fell into bed. i took a deep breath, and could feel the pain of my back relaxing. it was 8:45, or something like that - i didn't actually bother to look at the clock. i slept until 5:15, when alissandra called me for what my cell phone told me was the third time. i called her back, chatted for half an hour, and wrote this blog. i actually planned on going into a bit more of the inner-workings of my mind at this point, but i have to go meet miss alissandrasaurus for dinner at the hoff. ah, food. and sleep. it's a good day.
i had pulled another all nighter to finish work for my class today (well, a most-of-the-nighter, i slept about an hour and a half), just in case i couldn't drop it for whatever reason. i had never dropped a class before so i didn't really know the procedure or what to expect. i actually got there even before any one in the registrar office. i went to open the door and saw a dark room. luckily, someone who worked there was right behind me. i wished her a sleepy good-morning and she asked me if i needed to drop anything off. i told her no, i just needed to drop a class and she handed me the paper, and just said to fill it out and place it in the bin. in my head i was thinking "that's it?!? i was terrified of a bin?" and promptly filled out the form. i asked her how long it would take to be processed and go into effect, and she said "oh, sometime today." again, i was shocked and excited. i thanked her, and began the walk of shame/relief back to my apartment. i ran into james on the way, as he works in the photo department every morning and gets off around 8:40am or so, and he asked me to breakfast. i thanked him for the offer, but decided it was probably best if i just went and slept. that morning was the first time i had really noticed a physical effect (besides being very tired and slightly incoheren) due to not sleeping for several days. i felt so weak. i had even had a hard time walking up the stairs to go into the main building. i felt as though, with all i was carrying (both figuratively and literally) and my lack of sleep, a strong wind would have landed me on the pavement.
i got back to my place, stripped myself of my materials and book bag, coat, jeans, my many layers of sweaters, and slid/fell into bed. i took a deep breath, and could feel the pain of my back relaxing. it was 8:45, or something like that - i didn't actually bother to look at the clock. i slept until 5:15, when alissandra called me for what my cell phone told me was the third time. i called her back, chatted for half an hour, and wrote this blog. i actually planned on going into a bit more of the inner-workings of my mind at this point, but i have to go meet miss alissandrasaurus for dinner at the hoff. ah, food. and sleep. it's a good day.
Monday, February 19, 2007
grabbing for spoons
through most of my life i've stumbled along, doing things because someone told me that it was for my best interest, or because i thought i shouldn't put myself first and in turn held other people's happiness above my own and often felt responsible for their happiness, and in general just went through the motions of living life but not necessarily living my life.
a lot of that changed during my senior year in highschool. i had dated a guy for 3 years, 2 months. he was my first real love. you know, the kind of love you know will never leave you. we broke up because as luck would have it, he wasn't exactly the best person. he had a lot of issues and a lot of anger, and i didn't know how to deal with it so i wouldn't say anything and i would just go along agreeing and making nice and hiding behind my long hair that i kept how he liked. i broke up with him after a long time of talking myself into it and being talked into it by the people around me who were worried and cared about me most. one of the hardest things i have ever had to do was to tell the lie i told him, and that was when he was asking for why, why, why, and i couldn't bring myself to tell him that it was him, that it was how i was because of him, and when he asked me for what to him was the only reason why we should break up. he asked me, do you still love me. do you love me. the hardest thing to do was to lie to him. to tell him, no. i don't. there's still a part of me that will always be in love with him.
that was the first time i took control, i made the choices (although i did need a little help from my friends) to determine how i was going to live my life. the week after the break up, i felt i grew more as a person than i had in the total time of three years i had been with him.
i got to college, and was a little terrified because he was attending school about 45 minutes away. but i was the happiest i had been in a long time. i was at a place where i could be myself. i started to realize a lot about myself. i also realized that i really hadn't been able to feel for a very long time. i came to the shocking realization that i had not felt for someone in anyway really since this boy. and i'm not even necessarily talking love, here. i really wanted love though. i wanted to feel love. i wanted to feel pain from lost love. i kind of wanted to feel anything, but i couldn't. i felt like i was completely broken. kind of a zombie, if you will.
then, during the second semester of freshman year, (i'll wait while get the air-sickness bags) i met a boy. or rather, i had met him, and we had been friends for the year, but we merged from friendship into the realm of dating land and commitment. we spent all our time together, and he was my best friend. i began to love him. it was wonderful, and i was actually feeling things again. it was fantastic.
then of course, as many of my friends now, that ended this year in october. it was incredibly painful, and was some of the deepest heartache i had experienced in a long time. but looking back, it feels so good to know that i have such an amzingly deep capacity for love, or anything. it took a little while, but i got over it.
now we're going to switch gears a little bit. i didn't necessarily mean to rant about my abridged romantic history. this is supposed to be about taking control of life. taking the bull by the horns if you please.
i made a schedule for myself this semester. i took on another job. i made choices to experience new people. i decided to tell someone how i had felt for the last seven years. now that schedule is kicking my ass, i love my jobs, and the people in my life? pretty much amazing. as for the ass kicking, i have decided to drop a class. if you know me well you know how difficult an act that is for me. just the fact that i made up my mind about it, let alone actually going through with it yet, is a huge step, you don't even know.
so long story short, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take charge of your life. you only get one, and it's pretty short in retrospect. so live it.
a lot of that changed during my senior year in highschool. i had dated a guy for 3 years, 2 months. he was my first real love. you know, the kind of love you know will never leave you. we broke up because as luck would have it, he wasn't exactly the best person. he had a lot of issues and a lot of anger, and i didn't know how to deal with it so i wouldn't say anything and i would just go along agreeing and making nice and hiding behind my long hair that i kept how he liked. i broke up with him after a long time of talking myself into it and being talked into it by the people around me who were worried and cared about me most. one of the hardest things i have ever had to do was to tell the lie i told him, and that was when he was asking for why, why, why, and i couldn't bring myself to tell him that it was him, that it was how i was because of him, and when he asked me for what to him was the only reason why we should break up. he asked me, do you still love me. do you love me. the hardest thing to do was to lie to him. to tell him, no. i don't. there's still a part of me that will always be in love with him.
that was the first time i took control, i made the choices (although i did need a little help from my friends) to determine how i was going to live my life. the week after the break up, i felt i grew more as a person than i had in the total time of three years i had been with him.
i got to college, and was a little terrified because he was attending school about 45 minutes away. but i was the happiest i had been in a long time. i was at a place where i could be myself. i started to realize a lot about myself. i also realized that i really hadn't been able to feel for a very long time. i came to the shocking realization that i had not felt for someone in anyway really since this boy. and i'm not even necessarily talking love, here. i really wanted love though. i wanted to feel love. i wanted to feel pain from lost love. i kind of wanted to feel anything, but i couldn't. i felt like i was completely broken. kind of a zombie, if you will.
then, during the second semester of freshman year, (i'll wait while get the air-sickness bags) i met a boy. or rather, i had met him, and we had been friends for the year, but we merged from friendship into the realm of dating land and commitment. we spent all our time together, and he was my best friend. i began to love him. it was wonderful, and i was actually feeling things again. it was fantastic.
then of course, as many of my friends now, that ended this year in october. it was incredibly painful, and was some of the deepest heartache i had experienced in a long time. but looking back, it feels so good to know that i have such an amzingly deep capacity for love, or anything. it took a little while, but i got over it.
now we're going to switch gears a little bit. i didn't necessarily mean to rant about my abridged romantic history. this is supposed to be about taking control of life. taking the bull by the horns if you please.
i made a schedule for myself this semester. i took on another job. i made choices to experience new people. i decided to tell someone how i had felt for the last seven years. now that schedule is kicking my ass, i love my jobs, and the people in my life? pretty much amazing. as for the ass kicking, i have decided to drop a class. if you know me well you know how difficult an act that is for me. just the fact that i made up my mind about it, let alone actually going through with it yet, is a huge step, you don't even know.
so long story short, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take charge of your life. you only get one, and it's pretty short in retrospect. so live it.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
YooHoo and Orchids
'ello!
so this weekend has been pretty alright. not as productive as i had hoped, but they never are. today i went to see the play "Peaches" at the theatre project, and it was quite glorious. it's funny, i've recently discovered that i really don't like plays, operas, and all that as much as i think i do, however the last two plays i have seen have been absolutely captivating. go figure.
i'm working on an illustration right now for... well... illustration. it's a watercolor, and it's of the fates.
i've always loved all kinds of mythology, specifically greek and egyptian, so having these sort of assignments where i get to do fun research make me smile.
other things that make me smile as of late are things that remind me of when my brother and i were little. i try to pick up things now and again that do that, as a treat for myself. this would include a six-pack of yoohoo on my most recent grocery excursion. i couldn't believe it - i brought one to work with me on thursday, and one of the other people i was working had no clue what it was - she'd never heard of it! i was rather surprised. i thought everybody had experienced yoohoo at some point in their lives. i mean, it's yoohoo! maybe it's just me.
i can feel myself coming down with something... you know how it is. waking up with a scratchy throat and stuffy head. if it knows what's good for it, it'll quit while it's ahead.
i was thinking earlier, i feel like most of the time people get fed up with blogs, blogging and bloggers because people potentially find them shallow and the like. but really, how easy is it to attempt at getting deep in a blog? most times people come off as whiny. i don't really know where i'm headed with all this, except that i hope to not just post shallow superficial things all the time, but it's inevitably going to happen. now i mean, i have plenty of things going on in my life, and i'm all about honesty, but perhaps i'm not at a place at the moment where i can freely discuss them. or at least have them out in the open on the web. hmm.... well now, that's a pickle.
so this weekend has been pretty alright. not as productive as i had hoped, but they never are. today i went to see the play "Peaches" at the theatre project, and it was quite glorious. it's funny, i've recently discovered that i really don't like plays, operas, and all that as much as i think i do, however the last two plays i have seen have been absolutely captivating. go figure.
i'm working on an illustration right now for... well... illustration. it's a watercolor, and it's of the fates.
i've always loved all kinds of mythology, specifically greek and egyptian, so having these sort of assignments where i get to do fun research make me smile.
other things that make me smile as of late are things that remind me of when my brother and i were little. i try to pick up things now and again that do that, as a treat for myself. this would include a six-pack of yoohoo on my most recent grocery excursion. i couldn't believe it - i brought one to work with me on thursday, and one of the other people i was working had no clue what it was - she'd never heard of it! i was rather surprised. i thought everybody had experienced yoohoo at some point in their lives. i mean, it's yoohoo! maybe it's just me.
i can feel myself coming down with something... you know how it is. waking up with a scratchy throat and stuffy head. if it knows what's good for it, it'll quit while it's ahead.
i was thinking earlier, i feel like most of the time people get fed up with blogs, blogging and bloggers because people potentially find them shallow and the like. but really, how easy is it to attempt at getting deep in a blog? most times people come off as whiny. i don't really know where i'm headed with all this, except that i hope to not just post shallow superficial things all the time, but it's inevitably going to happen. now i mean, i have plenty of things going on in my life, and i'm all about honesty, but perhaps i'm not at a place at the moment where i can freely discuss them. or at least have them out in the open on the web. hmm.... well now, that's a pickle.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
bandwagons and conversation hearts
so i finally broke down and decided to make one of these blog things. normally how this goes, is that in a few months i will probably stop writing in this completely, and then months later stumble upon something to do with it and say "ah look at that!" and start posting, and go through the motions of being a blogger again. just putting it out there. but anyway, i mainly wanted to start this sucker up to go into the occasional rant (i'm good at that), post some sketches and art pieces if i'm in the mood and basically just use this the same way i use a sketchbook, with many fun diary-like ramblings. be excited.
so, i made it through another valentine's day. woo! it was actually the first valentine's day since... well since i began having boyfriends actually, that i didn't have "someone" to spend it with. wow. wtf man... i'm weird. well, i'm lucky then that valentine's day doesn't really phase me all that much. my family has always kind of held valentine's day in regards as being a time when you just make any sort of effort to show the people in your life that you're thinking of them, be it significant other, friend, relative, or hell even the mailman if you feel the itch. so on wednesday, i got up and was relieved to discover that my campus had closed due to the ice and snow, and i didn't have to go into work. i walked over to the grocery store and got 3 packs of those conversation hearts and 3 tiny cute fuzzy plush toys (a bear, a puppy and a frog, if you must know) and supplies for chocolate chip pancakes. it was nice to surprise my roommates with it. anastasiya and i decided that i would make a good boyfriend... you know, if i was a boy. or an awesome butch lesbian girlfriend. you know, if i was a butch lesbian. sweet. some of the pancakes became pink after i dumped red sprinkles into the batter, but that excited me so i added more. and i made them into hearts, because i'm a huge dork. i brought some over to my friends alissandra, tyler, justin and sam. i made sure sam got a heart one, mostly to spite him since he was really hating valentine's. i was hoping maybe the pink heart-shaped chocolate mess would make him smile a bit. i think it also helped that i delivered it quite literally by hand. i think he even went beyond his normal stoic non-smile. mission accomplished.
that night the above-mentioned friends and i had a bitterness party, and watched Love Actually. i cried. i loved it. i also went home angsty and promptly updated my facebook staus to "...is a lonely penguin." dammit love. but i really can't complain, considering the fact i spent valentine's with some of my absolute favorite people, and that this is only really the first valentine's that i didn't have a special someone. and anyway, my friend bree asked me to be his valentine for the day, and even if he lives like, 250 miles away, the gesture was nice and i made him a youtube video card thingy. um um um... yeah. since then, there's been a couple all-nighters, lots of work (being school and job related), good conversation, and an average amount of foghorniness..... um check your thesauras for that one and you'll see "angst."
well this became much longer than i guess i initially thought, but that's ok. i'm probably the only one who'll read this thing anyway, if and when i get all contemplative and such. ok, well, good night, sweet dreams, i'm off to make pretty pictures.
so, i made it through another valentine's day. woo! it was actually the first valentine's day since... well since i began having boyfriends actually, that i didn't have "someone" to spend it with. wow. wtf man... i'm weird. well, i'm lucky then that valentine's day doesn't really phase me all that much. my family has always kind of held valentine's day in regards as being a time when you just make any sort of effort to show the people in your life that you're thinking of them, be it significant other, friend, relative, or hell even the mailman if you feel the itch. so on wednesday, i got up and was relieved to discover that my campus had closed due to the ice and snow, and i didn't have to go into work. i walked over to the grocery store and got 3 packs of those conversation hearts and 3 tiny cute fuzzy plush toys (a bear, a puppy and a frog, if you must know) and supplies for chocolate chip pancakes. it was nice to surprise my roommates with it. anastasiya and i decided that i would make a good boyfriend... you know, if i was a boy. or an awesome butch lesbian girlfriend. you know, if i was a butch lesbian. sweet. some of the pancakes became pink after i dumped red sprinkles into the batter, but that excited me so i added more. and i made them into hearts, because i'm a huge dork. i brought some over to my friends alissandra, tyler, justin and sam. i made sure sam got a heart one, mostly to spite him since he was really hating valentine's. i was hoping maybe the pink heart-shaped chocolate mess would make him smile a bit. i think it also helped that i delivered it quite literally by hand. i think he even went beyond his normal stoic non-smile. mission accomplished.
that night the above-mentioned friends and i had a bitterness party, and watched Love Actually. i cried. i loved it. i also went home angsty and promptly updated my facebook staus to "...is a lonely penguin." dammit love. but i really can't complain, considering the fact i spent valentine's with some of my absolute favorite people, and that this is only really the first valentine's that i didn't have a special someone. and anyway, my friend bree asked me to be his valentine for the day, and even if he lives like, 250 miles away, the gesture was nice and i made him a youtube video card thingy. um um um... yeah. since then, there's been a couple all-nighters, lots of work (being school and job related), good conversation, and an average amount of foghorniness..... um check your thesauras for that one and you'll see "angst."
well this became much longer than i guess i initially thought, but that's ok. i'm probably the only one who'll read this thing anyway, if and when i get all contemplative and such. ok, well, good night, sweet dreams, i'm off to make pretty pictures.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
