grabbing for spoons

through most of my life i've stumbled along, doing things because someone told me that it was for my best interest, or because i thought i shouldn't put myself first and in turn held other people's happiness above my own and often felt responsible for their happiness, and in general just went through the motions of living life but not necessarily living my life.

a lot of that changed during my senior year in highschool. i had dated a guy for 3 years, 2 months. he was my first real love. you know, the kind of love you know will never leave you. we broke up because as luck would have it, he wasn't exactly the best person. he had a lot of issues and a lot of anger, and i didn't know how to deal with it so i wouldn't say anything and i would just go along agreeing and making nice and hiding behind my long hair that i kept how he liked. i broke up with him after a long time of talking myself into it and being talked into it by the people around me who were worried and cared about me most. one of the hardest things i have ever had to do was to tell the lie i told him, and that was when he was asking for why, why, why, and i couldn't bring myself to tell him that it was him, that it was how i was because of him, and when he asked me for what to him was the only reason why we should break up. he asked me, do you still love me. do you love me. the hardest thing to do was to lie to him. to tell him, no. i don't. there's still a part of me that will always be in love with him.

that was the first time i took control, i made the choices (although i did need a little help from my friends) to determine how i was going to live my life. the week after the break up, i felt i grew more as a person than i had in the total time of three years i had been with him.

i got to college, and was a little terrified because he was attending school about 45 minutes away. but i was the happiest i had been in a long time. i was at a place where i could be myself. i started to realize a lot about myself. i also realized that i really hadn't been able to feel for a very long time. i came to the shocking realization that i had not felt for someone in anyway really since this boy. and i'm not even necessarily talking love, here. i really wanted love though. i wanted to feel love. i wanted to feel pain from lost love. i kind of wanted to feel anything, but i couldn't. i felt like i was completely broken. kind of a zombie, if you will.

then, during the second semester of freshman year, (i'll wait while get the air-sickness bags) i met a boy. or rather, i had met him, and we had been friends for the year, but we merged from friendship into the realm of dating land and commitment. we spent all our time together, and he was my best friend. i began to love him. it was wonderful, and i was actually feeling things again. it was fantastic.

then of course, as many of my friends now, that ended this year in october. it was incredibly painful, and was some of the deepest heartache i had experienced in a long time. but looking back, it feels so good to know that i have such an amzingly deep capacity for love, or anything. it took a little while, but i got over it.

now we're going to switch gears a little bit. i didn't necessarily mean to rant about my abridged romantic history. this is supposed to be about taking control of life. taking the bull by the horns if you please.

i made a schedule for myself this semester. i took on another job. i made choices to experience new people. i decided to tell someone how i had felt for the last seven years. now that schedule is kicking my ass, i love my jobs, and the people in my life? pretty much amazing. as for the ass kicking, i have decided to drop a class. if you know me well you know how difficult an act that is for me. just the fact that i made up my mind about it, let alone actually going through with it yet, is a huge step, you don't even know.

so long story short, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and take charge of your life. you only get one, and it's pretty short in retrospect. so live it.