i have always been a firm believer that boys and girls can be friends without any heart-strings attached. however recently i've stepped back and have been forced to reexamine my current situation and past experience, as well as listen to what other people have to say, and i have to tell ya - i'm not so steadfast any more. does love and feeling the need to "take the friendship to the next level" always have to interfere? and why does there have to be another level to friendship?
personally, i've always felt like i get along a bit better with guys; i'm just more relaxed for the most part when i'm around them. this isn't to say i can't get along with girls, and i don't consciously choose to be better off with guys or anything like that. i don't really know what it is exactly. i must say i think i am a little bit more picky with my female friends, and i think i have a tendency to weed out some friendships and i usually only hang on to my female friends that i really feel like i have some deep connection with and with whose friendship i value very highly. with guys, i'm a bit more carefree in the friending, and when i find a fella that i can have a deep connection with, it's extra uber fabulous. but again not necessarily leading into the romantic territory in my book.
but, has every guy, or at least maybe the majority of guys, that i have ever been friends with
had "potential relationship" on the radar?
and is it completely naive of me and idealistic of me to think that it wouldn't be an issue?
lately, i think yes.
which brings me to another point in this whole thing... i hate to be the cause of someones bad feelings. i hate to feel like i am the reason that someone is miserable because of unreciprocated feelings. i also don't mean to make it sound like i am just sooooo awesome and boys just looooove me and i just can't help it if i've broken soooo many hearts, because i realize that's how this could come across... because seriously people. i've got a lot of baggage. i have a potentially rather irritating voice, an occasionally obnoxiously boisterous laugh, incredibly awkward in conversation, and in hindsight i think i can sometimes come across as a bitch. but anyway, if those cases come up where i make a feller friend feel like crap, all i want to do is make that person feel better. so much so. because i do value their friendship so much. but i also realize, that, well... maybe that person really doesn't want to have anything to do with me at that moment because they do feel so shitty.
or at all.
and i end up just wishing so much that i did care about them that way. so much. so much so that it makes me second guess my own chances of happiness with someone because of the guilt i feel.
because as cookie-cutter as it is, i just want people to be happy. to find happiness within themselves and others. and i want to be able to be as full a friend to them as possible, which includes caring and understanding and laughing and crying and sharing and being able to walk, talk, eat, and watch tv together while enjoying the others company without worrying about what the other feels in addition to the friendship.
but that's not how it works.
and that makes a sad cory.
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I know how it feels to want to make people happy all the time. Its the most impossible goal to achieve and you still keep trying to keep everyone smiling. I think sometimes you just have to face the fact that people are gonna be sad for a bit, but eventually(and hopefully) they'll get over it.
The other thing I wanted to impart was about the male mind. When a guy meets a girl, his first thought is possible relationship. He keeps track of all their interactions, trying to decide whether he likes her or not, or if she has any interest in him. When we figure out thats a yes, we go for it, even if a friendship hangs in the balance. I think that certain males like myself value the "relationship" so much that we forget that friendships can be fulfilling too.
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