papers and chai

i've been feeling so good i don't know why i needed to do that. i guess i though that i was so strong and so good and happy that it wouldn't be there like i'm super woman and that i made everything better and perfect and that everything would be completely fine and i'd never have anything wrong in my life or have to worry about anything more than getting a research paper done. i'm kicking myself for checking. i'm more shocked at how quickly i crumbled. i couldn't have called my mom fast enough. now i'm so nervou s- i had plans to do my own thing and live in albany for a while over break and work on my t-shirt line and designs for it and paint and not have any care. now i'm so terrified. my problem was that i was running scenarios like i always do, and asking questions and pushing into my mind, which i guess is a good thing. "what makes you want to do this photo shoot?" because it's something i've always wanted to do but never felt like i could - not because of inability but because i was with someone who i felt i needed permission from, and who wouldn't grant it, and now i feel like a new woman with complete freedom of life and choices, but the bigger overriding one was how i felt about my body after the biopsy. i was so terrified of the pain i associated with my bare chest and how it felt to touch it even a month after. after the biopsy my body felt traumatized and invaded and i could hardly even internalize it and i can't even imagine what it's like for women to go through breast cancer. i can't believe i felt for it again. the last time it was so comforting, with the doctor, and her telling me it was there but she could hardly feel it. i could barely feel it. i'm pretty sure i lied to her saying i could find it when i really couldn't. i was so relieved that for one they had removed a good bit of it and two that it had shrunk. that was a few months ago and i had forgotten to even check again. that had been the first time since the biopsy. i had been so afraid because of how much the procedure hurt afterward and i was so nervous about making it angry. i guess that's why i checked tonight, because i've been feeling so fearless and so untouchable. i've been running on water and floating on clouds and this was kind of a hard hammer down. i've never felt it as big as this before... as soon as i felt it i broke into tears. why is it that girls immediately default to waving their hands in front of their face when they start to cry? i generally think of it as trying to wave away the tears, to dry them before they come, but for me i think it's because i need something to do with my hands, so i flap. i guess i didn't have them so much towards my face as i did just shaking them out away from my body. i always need to be doing something with my hands. my mom is calling the doctor for me. she's relieved that i want to get it removed. she's wanted it gone since she first heard i had any sort of lump and i was refusing, more for fear of surgery. the doctor said there was really no need to remove it unless it bothered me or got much bigger, because it was benign, and also because of where it's positioned. it's in a really technical spot and would be best to be left alone unless any of the things mentioned previously came up. but i need it out of my body it needs to be gone. so over christmas break i guess i'll be getting it removed. i'm so nervous. surgeries scare me so much. i hate knives and needles. immediately i thought about the people i want there with me, but unfortunately two of them can't because they're hear in albany and i'll be home for it. it should be same day anyway, probably within a couple hours. but still. there's something about having those you care about around you, no matter how strong you think you are or how strong you feel. ok, i feel better now. a little anyway. needed a good free write