3.05am

i couldn't sleep so i reached for my pen instead.


I wish cameras could capture what eyes see. They only get a meager representation. The purples and oranges, dark shadows under the sculpted, yet slightly neglected, shrubbery. The shadows loom long, down the slight incline onto the street. I am a visitor, observing a world behind glass. The cars sit quietly as extensions of the landscape, emptied of their connection to actual life. Even the cars moving by seem devoid of life; quick creatures with eyes beaming through the dark, following their trail. Aside from the occasional hum it's otherwise silent at this hour. The sirens have calmed. The streetlights no longer serve to light the way, but to illuminate the air in specific pattern, like organized stars. They mimic my own lights which frame my window, my looking glass. A microcosm of this outer world. I will extinguish mine, but those larger orbs will continue to glow for a few more hours, until the sun takes their place of shining through my curtains, casting gold on all it touches. I hope sleep finds me before the slight trickling of life awakening thickens and invades my still dreamscape behind the glass.

cucumbers and pillows.

just watched "into the wild" for the first time.

true to form, i cried my eyes out.

"happiness is real only when shared"

i've noticed that i truly prefer to watch movies i've never seen with others. i feel like i need to be sharing the experience with someone, and i really try to avoid seeing new movies alone as much as possible. i don't necessarily feel this way about going to the movie theater, but definitely when it comes to watching things at home. i think maybe part of the problem is that it's very easy for me to get caught up in emotions of the movie, and it's difficult to pull away from. so, if i've just seen a happy movie, i want to be sharing that joy and happiness and exuberence and joie de vivre with someone else. if it's an intense, sad/heavy movie, i think i need someone to share it with in order to get it out of me, otherwise i'm caught up in it and it weighs heavy on me for a while.

damn those wild sweet pea plants.

besides from all that.

i truly can't wait for summer to arrive. it's something that i've been looking forward to for some time; and, following suit with my new years resolution still, i'm bubbling with anticipation over all the experiences to be had. ben and i are going to do some traveling, and i'm so eager to begin. the last 3 months, i've felt myself come full circle into a new wholeness, and i have been feeling so good, and.... full? enriched? satisified by life?

my soul feels nourished.

that is the best way to describe it, i think.

and as for the summer and the plans that are stemming and budding and creeping from the soil, i feel like they are going to breathe even more sunshine and exuberence into my life. imagine drinking down something warm, just almost hot, that is refreshing like cucumbers but zestful like ginger. imagine that radiating through your body, starting in the center of your chest and working out into your arms, your legs, out through your fingertips and toes, breathing it out into the sky and breathing in fresh air, giving your body life.

i'd say that pretty much nails it.